This Carbon Based Life

By David Glenn Cox

It’s a simple case of a few thousand disgruntled, pampered sailors. Former Fox News weekend host and Duh fence secretary, Peterless Pete Hegseth insists the stories of depredations on board the USS Abraham Lincoln are untrue and overblown. Pete’s so on top of things he didn’t even have to call the office to check. Just a bunch of whiners and crybabies. In Pete’s falsetto voice, “Oh, I want deodorant and toothpaste every day! Shut-up and eat your bowl of rice!”

I want to be very careful here because I don’t want to sound in any way unsympathetic about mental health issues. The media immediately jump for the sensational and talk about sailors jumping off the ship trying to kill themselves. I had a friend in the navy who served on a carrier. It happened on nearly every trip. Do the math. 5,000 sailors, young, emotional, and trapped in the service on a long deployment. If you took 5,000 like-aged civilians at random, how many of them had tried to hurt themselves in the last nine months? It’s not the food, but it’s a contributing factor.

Our President, Cankles McBrainfreeze, says the Lincoln hadn’t been out there long enough! “Let them eat cake!” The problem my dear Brutus, isn’t in the stars; it’s in their big mouths complaining to Mummy and Daddy state-side! The Captain of USS Abe Lincoln is probably on his last deployment. He has broken the Navy’s eleventh commandment. “Thou shalt not allow your people to make noise and cause political problems.” Jetson! You’rrre fired!

So, do you know what they did? The president sent the head of CENTCOM to investigate the situation. Jetted half-way around the world and then airlifted to the Lincoln by helicopter. I’m sure that put him in a fine mood for investigating. The President called; he wants to talk to you right away! He sounds angry. The big boss wants this fixed. The big, big boss wants this fixed. Once on board, the Admiral spoke with the Captain and a handful of officers and enlisted men who all answered, “It’s not true!” These sailors get ice cream and sugar cookies, three times a day! Isn’t that right fellows? “Yes, sir!” See? Case closed!

Let’s suppose that when the navy provisioned the Lincoln for her 180 day deployment, they packed in a few extra supplies in case the ship was delayed. Say, maybe ten percent or 18 days’ worth of extra provisions, just in case. Or even 20 percent or 36 days. The Lincoln had been on station 45 days longer than that! It isn’t so much their credibility I question as much as their math skills.

Gee, the president defect says it isn’t so. The Secretary of Warped says it isn’t true, and the big boss from Centcom agrees! Just imagine a twenty-year-old seaman nose to nose with the Admiral, who asks. “Is everything all right? Do you need anything? It’s alright, you can tell me, son. Your career won’t be over until we reach San Diego.” Every sailor on that ship now has a black mark by their name. “Served on the Lincoln,” will be whispered about in the navy annals for years to come.

It’s just so hard to know who to believe. High-ranking government officials with everything to lose, and nothing to gain or lowly, sailors out to make the president and Duh fence secretary look bad. For no other reason than just being hungry and filthy. Calling on their mommies and daddies to save them! The nerve! Back when President McBrainfreeze served in Vietnam. Oh, wait, I mean, back when Peterless Pete served in Vietnam. Oh, wait, that was some other war. You didn’t hear Pete complaining about toothpaste or toilet paper. A good soldier knows how to keep his big yap shut! The quickest way to shorten your military career is to complain. See: “Full Metal Jacket.”

Gunnery Sargent Hartman is your friend. You can tell him all your problems. I’m sure he’ll listen to you!

Do you see how this works? The answer to the problem isn’t in correcting the deficiencies in provisioning navy ships or shortening the deployments. The answer is to just shut people up! To imply the ship’s crew are all a bunch of unpatriotic liars. It’s the Trumpian way! Everyone is a liar except for… There’s an old saying in baseball, “Winning cures everything!” As long as you win, no one questions your earned run average. But when you lose, it’s never good enough.

The problem isn’t the overburdened sailors for too long deployed, it’s the bad press! By sending the USS George Washington (He couldn’t tell a lie.) to replace the Abe Lincoln. The US is now fresh out of aircraft carriers in the Pacific. Did you hear that, Korea? The Untied Snakes will not be taking part in joint exercises with South Korea this year, because ah, we’re too busy!  

President McBrainfreeze is in big trouble unable to untie the Gordian knot of Iran. The problem weighs heavily on what little mind he has left. Do you know what some people do when they feel psychologically stressed? They shut down and focus on unimportant details. They want the Supreme Court to let them build their ballroom and put their name back on the Kennedy Center. They want the deflecting pool vandals arrested and prosecuted to the fullest extent of the law!

Now, this is funny. Mr. McBrainfreeze was suing the British Broadcasting Company for ten billion dollars for disparaging his good reputation. That’s impossible, as he has no good reputation to begin with. But the BBC had asked for discovery,  which would force Mr. McBrainfreeze to open up his books to public scrutiny. He doesn’t want that, so, he’s modified his claim. He now wants ten billion dollars just for damaging his personal reputation. Just exactly how could you prove something like that? You can’t! The BBC caused him no financial hardship, but only bruised his fragile ego and good reputation. What good reputation?

Half a league, half a league,

Half a league onward,

All in the valley of Death

   Rode the six hundred.

“Forward, the Light Brigade!

Charge for the guns!” he said.

Into the valley of Death

   Rode the six hundred.

II

“Forward, the Light Brigade!”

Was there a man dismayed?

Not though the soldier knew

   Someone had blundered.

   Theirs not to make reply,

   Theirs not to reason why,

   Theirs but to do and die.

   Into the valley of Death

   Rode the six hundred.

III

Cannon to right of them,

Cannon to left of them,

Cannon in front of them

   Volleyed and thundered;

Stormed at with shot and shell,

Boldly they rode and well,

Into the jaws of Death,

Into the mouth of hell

   Rode the six hundred.

IV

Flashed all their sabres bare,

Flashed as they turned in air

Sabring the gunners there,

Charging an army, while

   All the world wondered.

Plunged in the battery-smoke

Right through the line they broke;

Cossack and Russian

Reeled from the sabre stroke

   Shattered and sundered.

Then they rode back, but not

   Not the six hundred.

V

Cannon to right of them,

Cannon to left of them,

Cannon behind them

   Volleyed and thundered;

Stormed at with shot and shell,

While horse and hero fell.

They that had fought so well

Came through the jaws of Death,

Back from the mouth of hell,

All that was left of them,

   Left of six hundred.

VI

When can their glory fade?

O the wild charge they made!

   All the world wondered.

Honour the charge they made!

Honour the Light Brigade,

   Noble six hundred! – Alfred Lord Tennyson