This Carbon Based Life

By David Glenn Cox

The women’s auxiliary Republican Party, aka “WARP,” has let rumors slip that the man who once said, “When you’re rich,  they just let you do it!” Now, maintain that Donald Trump is hard to work for. No shit? Really? I wonder what clued them in? Maybe they’d never seen “Do you own a bikini?” on a job application before. “If the answer is yes, do you have any recent photos?”

Don and Natalie sitting in a tree K-I-S-S-I-N-G. First comes lust, then comes disparage. Then comes the new girl to replace what’s her name. Yes, the rumor mill is all abuzz saying Donnie has a new main squeeze in Natalie Harp. Now the question is, which came first? Did Donnie take a new girlfriend because Malaria Trump left him? Or did Malaria Trump leave him because Donnie took a new girlfriend?  Oh, don’t worry, NASA couldn’t launch that rocket with a handful of Viagra and a bicycle pump.

Hard to work for! They say, demanding, they say! Sexist, with impossible beauty standards! Maybe you just can’t see it when you’re that close to it. Maybe, their two years at Bisbee Business College has blinded them with ambition? No one escapes; no one comes out whole on the other end. Cara Lying Leavitt quit because he was driving her nuts. Whoever would have guessed that working for the world’s most powerful and mentally deficient toddler, could be so difficult? To imagine the United States under Donald Trump today, picture an ant farm violently shaken.

The arsenal is nearly empty. The strategic oil reserve has run dry. Wa, wa, wa, Wall Street is starting to wake up. There was a bloodbath in the bond market yesterday. Markets are down all over the world. The VIX, or volatility index is through the roof. As the 60-day time limit on the memo randumb of misunderstanding expires. Mr. Trump announces, he didn’t have to say a word, but he couldn’t help himself. “There are no negotiations between Iran and the Untied Snakes.” Just kicking those Wall Street brokers right in the nuts. Every time Mr. Trump opens his mouth an angel gets its wings…in hell.

I suspect Mr. Trump is being hard on South Korea because he’s building his alibi. It has to be somebody’s fault, you know, and it couldn’t be his! So it must be their fault! He asked the South Koreans to join him in his crazy war, but they refused. Ergo, any loss or damage now is all their fault. Mr. Trump didn’t ask for NATO’s help because Mr. Trump has insisted time and time again, that he doesn’t need NATO. He couldn’t ask them for help. A quick inventory shows our country is fast running out of allies. But we still have North Korea and what’s left of Russia!

A war, economic turmoil, inflation, zero job growth, and a wobbling Wall Street. What does Mr. Trump want to focus on? Sending his cabinet members out to campaign for Republican congress members. Now, this was Marx Brothers funny. Texas Senator, John Cornyn was a dependable Republican Senator and probably unbeatable in November. But he quarreled with Mr. Trump, so Mr. Trump endorsed Ken Paxton. Paxton has all of the important qualifications to be a fine Trump Senator. He cheats on his wife. His past is riddled with scandals and financial irregularities. He was impeached in Texas by his fellow Republicans! He’s perfect!

Now, for the funny part, I saw a clip from OX News (We’re smart! So you don’t have to be!) Jesse Waters was imploring Paxton to come out and fight! And I quote: “We can’t win this election for you!” Fair and balanced is more than a little upset. They had a sure winner, but they dumped him for Donald Trump’s cock holster. Paxton held a virtual town hall, and the first question he got was, “Why did you cheat on your wife?” And it’s been downhill ever since.

But not to worry, help is on the way! Peterless Pete Hegseth will hit the campaign trail. He’s got nothing better to do! He’ll be glad to pitch in and help! So will Treasury Secretary Scott Bessent. Gosh, everyone likes him! Sending Hegseth is like adding whipped cream to a shit Sunday and Bessent is the cherry on top. Yes, the most important thing for Mr. Trump right now, less than ninety days from the midterms is reelection. “Oh, shit, look at the calendar! We should have started doing this weeks ago! Why didn’t you women remind me before now?”

The phony polls show Mr. Trump’s popularity at 33% You believe that figure, don’t you? Six months ago it was only 30% and now, after starting a senseless war and destroying the economy. Mr. Trump’s popularity actually rises? I would believe 23% but not 33%. There are just some things the media just can’t tell you the truth about ever.  Like about aliens and Trump’s polling numbers. There are some questions the media dare not to ever ask. “Where’s your wife at?”

Threatening 50% tariffs on Canada again. Steel, aluminum, fertilizer, lumber, and oil. Threatening to bomb Oman for the crime of trying to reach a settlement. But it’s not the settlement Mr. Trump wants so die, you bastards, die! We’ve traveled through the land of fuck around and have now officially reached the land of find out! Farmers are reporting a bumper crop; they probably won’t be able to sell abroad. Open your history books to page 1932, Chapter one. The farms failed first, after Mr. Hoover had imposed tariffs.

Did you know that when you buy a new computer,  it is already obsolete by the time you take it out of the box? The same holds true for the black hole of AI data centers. That two, or five, or ten billion dollar data center will become obsolete in five years. Before it’s half-way paid for. But it is the next big thing! Everybody says so. There aren’t any other next big things on the horizon. So it’s like gold fever. Some will get rich while most will end up just digging a hole in the ground. Nobody has gotten rich yet, in fact, nobody has earned a single dollar yet. And might not ever earn a dollar. But it’s the next big thing!

“Yet our distress comes from no failure of substance. We are stricken by no plague of locusts. Compared with the perils which our forefathers conquered because they believed and were not afraid, we have still much to be thankful for. Nature still offers her bounty and human efforts have multiplied it. Plenty is at our doorstep, but a generous use of it languishes in the very sight of the supply. Primarily this is because the rulers of the exchange of mankind’s goods have failed, through their own stubbornness and their own incompetence, have admitted their failure, and abdicated. Practices of the unscrupulous money changers stand indicted in the court of public opinion, rejected by the hearts and minds of men.

True they have tried, but their efforts have been cast in the pattern of an outworn tradition. Faced by failure of credit they have proposed only the lending of more money. Stripped of the lure of profit by which to induce our people to follow their false leadership, they have resorted to exhortations, pleading tearfully for restored confidence. They know only the rules of a generation of self-seekers. They have no vision, and when there is no vision the people perish.” – Franklin Delano Roosevelt,  March 4, 1932