This Carbon Based Life

By David Glenn Cox

Isn’t it amazing? Say what you want about the Trump regime, screwballs, drunks and incompetents, but the press office is on the ball. Just twenty-four hours after the story breaks about the president defect’s new girlfriend, and guess who appears in the White Palace like magic? I guess it’s just one of those things; if you say her name three times in front of a mirror, she appears. “Malaria, Malaria, Malaria!” But be prepared, because if you summon her, she’s gonna want a check. She bills by the hour, you know; old habits die hard.

Malaria Trump walked down the hall and got her picture taken by the hired geeks and poof! She’s gone again. Gone back to her apartment in New York, I guess. Perhaps they were afraid a fight would break out over who loved Donald more. “You love him more!” No, you love him more! Poor Natalie is infatuated (with power) There she is, a virtual nobody whispering into the king’s ear. Blowing her horn or something. Unlike Peckerhead Pete Hegseth, Natalie is only drunk with power.

Friendly advice: if you’re ever firing people politically at the behest of the president. Never, ever, ever tell them, “I’m firing you for political reasons on direct orders of the president himself. And I know that you could probably sue me, but orders are orders!” Henceforth this shall be known as the Patel’s an idiot rule.

Do you remember that episode of the Twilight Zone with William Shatner? “Terror at 20,000 feet” The one where the monster is messing with the airplane’s engine in flight? That episode was replayed on Wall Street yesterday. Imagine Wall Street was the airplane and Scotty Totty Bessent was the monster. Bill Shatner’s part was played by the Wall Street brokers themselves. Scotty opens the engine cowling and begins to tinker around in the bond market. Imagine they are telling you everything is fine. But from the next room, you hear yelling, a scuffle, and glass breaking. Everything is fine! Nothing to see here, move along! If everything were fine, Scotty wouldn’t be climbing out on the wing of the plane in the first place.

It’s not so much what Scotty was doing as much as, that Scotty was doing. You’re not supposed to open the engine cowling and tinker with the engine (bond market) in flight. And telling everyone nothing is wrong while you do it. Is a good way to spook the herd. How spooked were they? Uninsured cryptocurrencies soared while guaranteed government-backed bonds fell. The traders would rather take their chances on unknown crypto leadership than trust Scotty.

Up today, down tomorrow! Look at what the Dow Jones average did right before the crash of 1929. The market fell and then recovered, fell and then recovered. Then fell again, and before you knew it, it was 1950! An incredible national debt of forty trillion dollars, not including the two trillion dollars the congress borrowed (Siphoned off) from the Social Security trust fund to finance bubble head Bush’s Iraq war. Don’t forget that! Remember that the next time you hear some Republican tell you about Social Security going broke. Who do they think we are, Jackie Coogan?

But folks, there’s funny ha, ha, and then there is funny, you’ve got to be kidding me, bro! A secret memo has leaked to the press. Republicans fear their future in the midterms is tied to the issue of AI data centers! Man, oh man, do they have their finger on the pulse of America, or what? Yeah! That’s it! Data centers. Naive me would have suspected something like inflation, high gas prices, or a hugely unpopular war, or a revulsion of Donald Trump in general. Nope! Data centers.

AI data centers are an issue, but it’s all really a question of Republican philosophy. Republicans believe that you should let the free market work, unencumbered by government interference. Unless of course, the citizenry don’t like the idea much and resists, in which case you just cram it down their throats and tell the peons, I mean the citizens, it’s for their own good. We know what’s good for you! So shut up and quit your bitching.

The Republican governor of Ohio chastises the peons. Don’t you idiots know that AI data centers are the future? We have AI data centers we use right now, that we use every day, stupid! We also have toxic waste dumps we use every day. Should we build thousands more? So maybe a compromise could be reached and some rules and regulations established to allay the fears of the populace. Nope! Just call them stupid and cram it down their throats. Call them Communists, ax murderers! Book readers even. And if they don’t like it… that’s too bad! Data centers, yeah, that’s the problem!

It’s like the captain of the Titanic shouting, “Quick! Rearrange the deck chairs!” I’ve given you funny peculiar, now I’m going to give you funny, ha, ha! It was just the other day when Donald Trump said, “I’m gonna call my buddy North Korean dictator Kim Jong Un. I’ll go visit him! We’re pals! We’re like blood brothers even, through and through.” There was no immediate response to Mr. Trump’s overture. Then yesterday, North Korea fired ten missiles towards Japan which landed in the ocean.

Now, I don’t claim to be a professional translator, but I’ll do my best. My Korean is only so, so. Loosely translated the message reads “FUCK OFF!” Or more precisely with the North Korean accent, FUCK OFF FAT BOY! “I fart in your general direction! Now go away before I’m forced to taunt you again! Your mother was a hamster and your father smelled of elderberries.” There was a time when Kim was proud to meet with Mr. Trump. It made the little pip-squeak look important on the world stage. The President of the Untied Snakes comes to my house to bow and scrape for the cameras.

Today, Kim shows his people just how really important he has become! By officially telling the president of the United States to fuck off! Plans for the visit remain in limbo. Limbo being the correct word all right. The single greatest pariah on the planet Earth doesn’t want Mr. Trump hanging around anymore. How low can you go?

“Time wounds all heels.”
― Groucho Marx