This Carbon Based Life

By David Glenn Cox

There are two kinds of women who love eighty-year-old men: schemers and granddaughters. Two kinds of women who write their boss extensive flowing love notes, schemers and brown nosers. Two kinds of men who would tolerate such obvious, overt, and over the top flattery. Dimwits and Donald Trump. Flattery will get you anywhere. “I always want things to be right between us.”  It is as pathetic as it is sickening.

A Harpie sharpie, the poor thing just can’t stand to be away from him. He’s just so attractive, articulate, dynamic and rotund. Blowing more smoke up the old man’s ass than a Canadian forest fire. What must it be like for the other offal office workers, not named Natalie? Actually, it’s obvious; they have so much in common. She has Lie right in her name. Can you imagine how popular Natalie is around the White House water cooler?

Sleeping in the ladies’ dressing room at Trump’s Bedminster golf course. Going without food and sleep to be available at his beck and call at all hours, day or night. If you’re gonna go for it, go all the way. That’s perfectly normal behavior, don’t you think? And Mr. Trump the narcissist that he is; just lets her. Oh, I love you! I’ll do anything for you! Look! I’ll even eat dirt for you! Look! I’m eating dirt!

Just the other day, Mr. Trump’s press secretary quit because Trump was infatuated with her and would not leave her alone, even on her maternity leave. One woman fawns while another struggles to escape his grasp. Talk about your high-class white-trash soap operas. Oh, if only those walls could talk. I keep coming back to Trump’s cabinet secretaries making presentations as Mr. Trump asks, “Natalie? What do you think? Should we allow 300,000 pounds of tariff free, foreign ground beef into the country?” I almost fell out of my chair when I heard that, and math isn’t even my strong suit. 330 million Americans divided by 300,000 pounds of ground beef! Around one hamburger patty for each and every American. But it’s going to help consumers lower beef prices in the same way pissing off a bridge helps end the water shortage.

Beef producers (all Trumpers, through and through) hate the idea. Remember? Tariffs were supposed to encourage domestic production. Make Argentina Great Again! Who remembers the $2.5 billion Argentine currency swap less than a year ago? Well, I’m sure the Argentine peso’s collapse on August 16^th had nothing to do with Mr. Trump’s new ground beef arrangement. Nothing at all! Well, Natalie thought it was a good idea.

Mr. Trump now threatens Iran with the D-Day of economic sanctions. Ask yourself, after forty-seven years of economic sanctions on Iran, what exactly is left to sanction? It is as ridiculous as threatening to sanction the sun. The only things we get from Iran are oil and pistachios. The only thing they buy from us is nothing. And we’re going to double those sanctions! Two times zero is still zero. Boy, we’re going to teach them a harsh lesson, aren’t we, Natalie? Hush, Pete; Natalie has the floor. We’ll hear from the Pentagon after Natalie is finished speaking!

Treasury Suckretary Scotty Totty Bessent discounts the loss of 100,000 jobs. You see; because Mr. Trump has deported all the illegals, we don’t need as many jobs. God, that’s stupid! Did Natalie think that up for you? Who needs jobs? In the fourth quarter of last year, Scotty predicted the economy was going to bloom in the first quarter like all get out. In the first quarter of this year, Scotty promised, just wait, the economy will bloom in the second quarter. And in the second quarter, Scotty says, who needs jobs anyway?

“I also know I’ve been distracted all week (forgetting to eat throughout the days, and even forgetting to sleep, and only catching a couple hours at a time.)” Okay, I’ll buy, she lost her appetite. But sleep? You don’t forget to sleep. You might not sleep and lie in your bed wide awake, but it’s not because she forgot. Oh, I forgot to open my eyes this morning when I woke up. I forgot to get dressed and went to work in my pajamas. I forgot! Okay? I just forgot; it happens!

As pathetic as the situation has become, it’s also understandable. An old, old man flattered by a pretty girl. Rekindling the romantic flames from out of the ashes of his dotage. Wife? What wife? Oh, her. She’s like the cleaning lady; I call her in when we need her help around the house and slip her a few bucks when she’s finished. We have an open marriage. I do whatever the fuck I want to do. And as long as the money flows, she’s good with it. Cares? What makes you think she cares? She lives in New York; she won’t bother us.

Reports say that Peckerhead Pete Hegseth wants to be president. He’ll be lucky if he can get his old job back at Ox News. But first, he’s going to have to fight shady JD for the opportunity. The dynamic duo of “Drunk and Disorderly.” The invisible man in the administration, Marco Polio, might also choose to run. But since he’s nearly invisible, who would ever know? Don’t look now, Chicken Little, but the sky is falling! The bullshit bonanza is coming to an end!

How low would you have to sink to become Michael Cohen and crawl back to Mr. Trump, hat in hand and groveling on his knees seeking forgiveness? There are other less embarrassing professions. He could sell drugs or become a male prostitute or run for Senate as a Republican, but groveling to Donald Trump. Shame! Shame on him

Mr. Trump is down to his last without a friend left in the world. Just him and his girlfriend, Natalie down in the bunker as history repeats itself.  

“Republicans approve of the American farmer, but they are willing to help him go broke. They stand four-square for the American home–but not for housing. They are strong for labor–but they are stronger for restricting labor’s rights. They favor minimum wage–the smaller the minimum wage the better. They endorse educational opportunity for all–but they won’t spend money for teachers or for schools. They think modern medical care and hospitals are fine–for people who can afford them. They consider electrical power a great blessing–but only when the private power companies get their rake-off. They think American standard of living is a fine thing–so long as it doesn’t spread to all the people. And they admire of Government of the United States so much that they would like to buy it.”
― Harry S. Truman