This Carbon Based Life

By David Glenn Cox

Darlene Graham, the sister of the late Senator Lindsey Graham and Republican cardboard cutout senate candidate from South (Trumplandia) Carolina. Suffered the largest political gaffe since succession. She did the unthinkable and told the truth. I’m sure on the surface to Mr. and Ms. America the gaffe isn’t nearly as large or as serious as the politicos and hired geeks want to make it out to be. But this is the party of Donald Trump, and truth-telling has been specifically outlawed.

Ms. Graham was asked, should US combat troops be used in the event China ever invaded Taiwan? She inadvertently said that she didn’t know. She didn’t know much about foreign policy, but supported the military. Only two weeks ago, she was just Lindsey’s sister, and now they expect her to know about Taiwan? Personally, I found it refreshing. I’d never heard a Republican tell the truth before. Sure, it was outrageous, but it could even catch on.

An hour or two of heavy reading and personal study might possibly bring Ms. Graham up to speed. It’s not rocket science. She’s only a placeholder after all, and it’s not like she really needs to know anything. She’ll take her marching orders from you know who! What does South Carolina need with Senators for, anyway? When they can just let Trump decide.

Spawn Hannity of OX News tells Ms. Graham, Relax! Most Americans are just as dumb as you, maybe even dumber! Most Americans don’t know where Taiwan is either! (But they aren’t Senate candidates, are they?) They’re allowed to be dumb. You know; if you watch a news program where the host routinely calls his audience stupid, he’s probably right!

The president defect announces he’s lifting tariffs on 300,000 metric tons of ground beef to help the poor struggling American consumer, right? Not even close! Trump is importing Argentine beef to prop up Argentina’s failing currency. Consumers? You’ve got to be kidding me. It was just last year in October, when the Treasury moved $2.5 billion dollars to prop up the Argentine peso. Two weeks ago, the peso collapsed again, and it’s Donald Trump to the rescue. Make Argentina Great Again! Ms. Graham doesn’t know much about ground beef issues either, but she supports backyard cookouts!

Yesterday, I watched Mr. Trump take softball questions outside the White Palace with his new floozie on his arm. Can you believe it? Absolutely no shame about it whatsoever. A changing of the guard! Out with the old and in with the younger woman. Dear Malaria: effective immediately your services will no longer be necessary. Empty your employee locker and turn in all company property by five o’clock. Maybe Jeff Bezos can start a new documentary. “The President’s Other Woman” Ninety minutes of pure hokum and bullshit with a big fat check attached at the end.

They should give Darlene a chance. Let her swim in the snake pit awhile, and I wager she’ll be sniping and condescending at the press with the best of them. Never mind Taiwan, wherever it is, and let’s get down to brass tacks and sealing wax. Last month, the Republican Senate was outraged when Dr. Fauci stood on his Fifth Amendment constitutional right and refused to answer their Republican gotcha questions. “Oh, he did, did he? We’ll just see about that!” They threatened to charge Dr. Fauci with contempt of Congress for standing on his constitutional rights. Where does Darlene stand on this important issue? Dr. Fauci faces no charges yet, despite the case already having been tried on OX News. Maybe they are just waiting for Darlene to arrive?

The President defect is now going to bring Iran down with sanctions. Excuse me, but wasn’t that what we were doing BEFORE Mr. Trump started a pointless war and spent thirty billion dollars? Yeah, that’ll work! He’s got them right where he wants them now!

Yesterday, Mr. Trump ignited a for-real trade war with one of our largest trading partners and closest allies. What could go wrong? Fifty percent tariffs. Teach them a lesson! Run up the cost of a new car by a few more thousands of dollars. Never mind that Canada is the largest export market for American cars. Teach em a lesson!

The Canadian Prime Minister called it a “power play.” We’re going to make you an offer you can’t refuse. Mr. Carney calling it an issue of national sovereignty. If the US passed sanctions on country X, Canada would immediately follow suit and do as they were told. But Carney did the unthinkable and told Mr. Trump to fuck off, and for the French-speaking audience in Quebec, Va te faire foutre! Mr. Trump’s trade war has hurt the American wine and liquor industry more than anyone since Carrie Nation. Markets lost are rarely ever found.

And now for the Lightning Round.

True or false? New car sales are being depressed because of consumers with poor credit scores?  TRUE!

True or false? Automotive repossessions are at an all-time high? TRUE!

True or false? Home prices have peaked and are starting to fall precipitously in some areas? TRUE!

True or false? Home foreclosures are rising to their highest level since 2014? TRUE!

True or false? Most of the foreclosures are found in red states? TRUE! Floriduh, South (Trumplandia) Carolina and Texas.

True or false? This all Trump’s fault? TRUE!

And you ain’t seen nothing yet! Come five o’clock today, the futures markets with open and Wall Street will tell us exactly what they think about Mr. Trump’s pointless trade war.

And now for comic relief. Reich’s Fuhrer Stephen Miller defends Natalie Harp in much the same way Joseph Goebbels would defend Eva Braun. Calling attacks upon her as “odious.” Not untrue, but “odious.” So what! The President’s having an adulterous affair right under the nose of the American people. Yeah? So what! And what are they going to do about it?

“No sympathy for the devil; keep that in mind. Buy the ticket, take the ride…and if it occasionally gets a little heavier than what you had in mind, well…maybe chalk it up to forced consciousness expansion: Tune in, freak out, get beaten.” ― Hunter S. Thompson,