This Carbon Based Life

Dear Mr. or Ms. Google:

It seems congratulations are in order. Today marks the one millionth time you have notified me that my browser was out of date. Thank you! I was unaware of it the first 999,999 times. But now, I’ve got the message true. And I think I’ve worked out an adequate solution. I’ve heard rumors to the effect that you are quite prosperous; is this so?

I’ve picked out a real nice new computer, and if you’ll just remit a check in the amount of $1.972.00 +tax and freight. We can put this whole ugliness behind us, and you won’t have to waste band with educating me anymore. Don’t worry, I’ll cover the cost of the tax and freight myself, as I don’t want to lean too heavily on your kind generosity.

But just out of curiosity, what does this new browser provide me with that my old browser lacks? New colors? Whiter whites? Is it faster than a speeding bullet? More powerful than a speeding locomotive? Able to leap, you get the picture! Please hurry, due to Mr. Trump’s erratic tariff scenario that price can only be guaranteed for a short time.

So, I guess I’m still a bit confused. This new browser helps you more than it helps me? I’ll never know the difference? But you want me to buy a new computer? If you weren’t paying for my new computer, I might get pissed off!

PS don’t send me one of your old cast off hand me down computers from the office. I really want to pick it out myself.

Again; thank you! For your prompt attention to this matter. I won’t tell anyone, I promise. Lest you be over run by pikers and scammers, just out looking for free stuff!

Highest Regards,

Dave