This Carbon Based Life

By David Glenn Cox

There are probably a million stories in the Trump regime. Unfortunately, most of them are probably untrue. And if they are true the regime will deny them with all the strength their black hearts can supply. The truth simply isn’t in them, and even if they don’t have to lie, they will anyway. The other day snotty sweet Scotty Bessent told a reporter that we don’t need so many jobs anymore, because Mr. Trump was deporting so many of the illegals. That’s like saying don’t worry about the hole in the boat because the water in the lake isn’t very deep.

Another Trump policy genius was asked, “Why isn’t the economy performing as they had  predicted?” Hold on to your hat! The reason was because under Mr. Trump, new factory construction in America was way, way up. Nope! New factory construction was down by 22%. They had predicted 4% growth and only achieved 1 ½% growth. But when those new factories come online, 4% easy peasy.  Just you wait, der Fuhrer is building secret wonder weapons, which will surely help turn the tide!

I don’t know if you’ve ever witnessed a SpaceX rocket launch before. All the employees are assembled together in a big room to watch the launch. And those employees who wish to keep their jobs, will clap and cheer wildly and enthusiastically, even if the launch is a failure and the rocket blows up. [APPLAUSE!] Sure, half of the engines cut out early, and the rocket tumbled helplessly out of control and had to be destroyed. But otherwise, wasn’t that great?

There is no such thing as a failure. Success and failure are just two loosely defined points of view. If we say it was a success, it was! Even if the rocket flew out of control and had to be destroyed. A project which can’t admit its own failures will never achieve any success. The objective is strictly to cover your ass and have a scapegoat handy at all times. See: Deflecting Pool. Do you know whose fault this was? VANDALS! Arrest them Gin-nine! Arrest somebody! Make an example out of them! Throw the book at them! It couldn’t be my fault! It couldn’t be my crooked golf buddy’s fault! It must have been those vandals!

Recently, Mr. Trump was asked about his Canadian trade negotiations. He responded excitedly, spouting, “The Canadians are the worst!” Mr. Fart of the deal couldn’t close  a trade deal. He couldn’t bend the Canadians over to his will with his spry and wily negotiating skills. Ergo, the failure wasn’t his fault! It was those awful, awful Canadians! “They’re the worst!” As most of us are already aware, we’ve never had any trouble reaching a trade deal with Canada before? Every other administration has achieved a Canadian trade deal, except for this one. It must be Canada’s fault! “My fault? Get this filthy communist out of the room!”

And if someone else did successfully achieve a trade deal with Canada, it was always a bad deal. Only Mr. Trump could achieve a good deal. And if he doesn’t, well, you know who to blame.

“The most effective way to destroy people is to deny and obliterate their own understanding of their history.” ― George Orwell

Take control of the narrative, throttle it, and never let it go! During the epic battle of Stalingrad, early German successes were reported in the media as crushing the Red Barbarians. But as the battle turned against the Germans, the media reported they were taking a bloody toll on the Red Heathens, until finally it became “the German army is making the Red Savages pay for every step forward!” We’re winning! Even if we’re not! Sound familiar? We’re winning in Iran, says Mr. Trump. Cankles McBrainfreeze said yesterday that the navy had completed sweeping the Strait of Hormuz of mines.

Were there any mines in the Strait of Hormuz to begin with? Hundreds and hundreds of ships in gulf waters, and I haven’t heard of a single one striking a mine. “Mission accomplished! Good work, men!” Thanks to our intense efforts, all of the polar bears plaguing Miami Beach have finally been cleared out of Floriduh. Success! If at first you don’t succeed, make something up! If you don’t like the headlines in the news, then just fire somebody. That’ll fix it. If sailors complain of poor conditions on the Abraham Lincoln…shut those people up! Notice how the sailors and their families didn’t want their names or faces used out of a fear of retaliation. Retaliation? What retaliation? That would be illegal!

That’s the way it works, the squeaky wheel gets fired. Hacksaw Pete Hegseth fired the top general in the army. He wasn’t down with Pete’s new order. It’s been months now, and there is no replacement because all of the generals in the army aren’t down with Pete’s new order. If Pete can’t find generals to follow his instructions. Pete will do it all by himself. With his training as a squad leader and a drunken Fox News weekend host, Pete will do it all himself! Just like you know who, who also didn’t trust his generals. So he appointed himself Fuhrer and top general in the army.

Leaders who tend to fire everyone with the slightest hint of doubt are protecting their own insecurity. They fear the contrary opinion of someone who is truly qualified. They want to play John Wayne in “The Sands of Iwo Jima.” Experts make them nervous. “Sit down, General! When I want your opinion, I’ll ask for it! “Were you ever a squad leader in Afghanistan, General? ,Then I guess you just don’t know then, do you? There’s lots of things majors can teach major generals in the army. So listen up!”

Stories of officers and specialists leaving Peckerhead Pete’s military on conscientious objector status. They don’t want to commit war crimes, or attack civilian targets. They don’t want to follow illegal orders, there must be something wrong with them? Shoot the fishing boat! I said, “shoot the fishing boat now or we’ll miss being on the six o’clock news!”

“It was miraculous. It was almost no trick at all, he saw, to turn vice into virtue and slander into truth, impotence into abstinence, arrogance into humility, plunder into philanthropy, thievery into honor, blasphemy into wisdom, brutality into patriotism, and sadism into justice. Anybody could do it; it required no brains at all. It merely required no character.”
― Joseph Heller, Catch-22