This Carbon Based Life

By David Glenn Cox

Renaming a great lake isn’t a trade negotiation tactic; it is an insult. How exactly will an insult advance our trade talks? ”Your Canadian mama is so fat, she has satellites orbiting around her ass.” It won’t help. It will only harden positions on both sides. An insult which is actually a symptom of a mental illness. But even more than questions surrounding Mr. Trump’s mental fitness, is the media fantasy representation of this act as somehow NORMAL presidential behavior.

“This just in: The President has officially renamed Paris, France, “Gooberville.” The media says stuff like this with a straight face, as if it happens all the time. “The President this morning stripped down naked, smearing his body with oleomargarine, and began dancing in the White House fountain. Reports say it was a very nice little dance, and Mr. Trump is considered to be an excellent dancer for a man of his size and years. Speaker of the House Mike Johnson exclaimed, “A man with all the problems of the world on his shoulders, who can still find time to dance! And can dance naked in a fountain better than any Democrats ever could!”  

What lengths will the media go to trying to disguise dysfunction as democracy? Our CNN opinion poll finds the President is underwater. Oh, how I wish that were true! Quit trying to get my hopes up! But what they are doing is giving you a meaningless number which sort of supports what you might expect. While disguising the actual, unbelievably, appalling number. The President is under water by 26 points on the economy. What exactly does that mean? It means his numbers are so bad, they must disguise them from the public. They must create an unfathomable new scale to explain it all away. Mr. Trump is two boom, booms ahead of last year!

Mr. Trump’s polling numbers are lower than Richard Nixon’s polling numbers the week Nixon resigned from office! Did you hear about that in the mainstream news? The President’s wife has left him! You know this is perfect media star fodder, but silenced. Who is getting married? What celebrities are getting divorced? The President shows off his new girlfriend to the press, and the media report it as, “She seems very nice.”

Rich guys who’ve never been hunting or worked a single day in their lives suggest perhaps cattle ranches could butcher their own cattle to cut costs. Then they could jump in the truck and drive it down to the local Safeway in Tulsa or Tuscaloosa. A complete misunderstanding of how systems operate. A cattle rancher isn’t a butcher shop, nor do they want to be. It’s a different skill entirely. Perhaps to cut the high cost of airline tickets, we could stop requiring pilot’s licenses. Effective immediately: Anyone can rent an airplane and fly themselves anywhere they want to go. “This move is expected to save consumers millions of dollars.”

Believe it or not, Mr. Trump’s bizarre beef brew, ha ha, was designed to shore up his deteriorating polling numbers ahead of the midterm elections. Suddenly, Mr. Trump is obsessed with lowering beef prices. With no concern whatsoever for the war in Iran or rising fuel prices. The backlash has been brutal from Detroit to Dallas, and from Colorado to Cucamonga. The move is expected to cut beef prices by 25%. Why? How? When the wholesaler gets a special price, they might pass half of the savings on to the retailer. The retailer in turn passes little or none of its savings on to the consumers. Why should they? Beef freezes.

It will lower the cost of beef to below the cost of production. You don’t have to thank me; it’s my gift to you, America! The party of personal responsibility and government non-intervention in the free market single-handedly torpedoes the cattle industry. Do you see the madness at play here? These people don’t have a clue about what they’re doing. We could sell crude oil over the counter and let people refine it at home on the stove, and save a fortune! Cut all those greedy refineries out of the equation!

This is madness at play; let them eat cake! The President said today that if they won’t let him put his name on the Kennedy Center, he’s going to knock it all down. Media reports say this is all complexly normal. Similar to the time Woodrow Wilson threatened to fill in the Grand Canyon.  

Mr. Trump has abandoned the Iran war in the same way someone colorblind abandons a Rubik’s cube. It’s just too damn difficult to solve, so he’ll fix beef prices instead. Leaving the war to his treasury Suckretary snotty Scotty Bessent, to solve with his economic D-day plan. Sanction anyone who does business with Iran. Bring every single country not currently involved in the crisis, into the crisis. Brilliant! Punish innocent third parties states with no dog in the fight. I feel certain that when the smoke clears, those third party states will all take our side. President Big Mouth targets the People’s Republic of China for sanctions. “Hey! Since we’re having a war anyway, why not let’s make it a world war while we are at it?

China has nothing to do with Mr. Trump’s war with Iran. Involving them unnecessarily is economically reckless and politically dangerous. If you buy pottery from Mexico, we’re going to sanction computer chips! China has remained silent following the old Chinese proverb, “Never stop a fool at work when they are busy destroying themselves.”

And yes, there is also some good news out there, but for some peculiar reason only Ox News has covered it. The President has just signed a new oil agreement with Venezuela, through his clever negotiation skills and advanced weaponry. Huh, huh? “We’re going to make you an offer you can’t refuse! Sign here, or else prison! Similar in scope to the German Fuhrer’s 1939 trade agreement with Poland. Letting free markets work at gunpoint. The President announced today that he’s renaming the planet Earth. Henceforth, the Earth shall be known as  “New Gangsterland.”

“While the President didn’t go into any great detail exactly why he’s renaming the planet, the changes are expected to take around a year. The President has also named himself as the eternal ruler of “New Gangsterland,” with the official title of “Omnipotent God of all the Universe.” Which seems completely justified and reasonable, considering Barack Obama once wore a tan suit in the oval office.

All hail “New Gangsterland” and congratulations to Mr. Trump on his new and well-earned title.

“With school turning out more runners, jumpers, racers, tinkerers, grabbers, snatchers, fliers, and swimmers instead of examiners, critics, knowers, and imaginative creators, the word ‘intellectual,’ of course, became the swear word it deserved to be.” ― Ray Bradbury, Fahrenheit 451