This Carbon Based Life

By David Glenn Cox

By now, you’ve probably seen the photo of the American Airlines passenger restrained with duct tape. I found this event most troubling. Why does a commercial jetliner carry duct tape in case of an emergency? I understand that these aircraft must be ready for any eventuality. But with duct tape? Why would you carry duct tape on an airliner? You know, they say if you find coffee stains on your seatback tray that’s probably a sign of how well they do engine maintenance. But duct tape?

Turns out, coincidentally and conveniently, the unruly passenger began shouting religious pronouncements and using racist and homophobic slurs while sitting right next to a messianic rabbi who writes end-time books for the religiously disabled. How convenient! The airliner arrives and who does the media want to interview? The event looks staged, like Spielberg did it. Recently, another evangelical huckster commandeered a flight for a free impromptu non-stop sermon about Jesus. All for the public’s own good, they insisted.

In the recent shipping news, it was determined that the amount of oil leaving the Persian Gulf was between two-thirds to three-quarters of the normal amount during peacetime. Which means that there is a shortfall being made up from ground storage. It means that the current flow of oil is insufficient and unsustainable. As the ground storage levels go down, the prices will go up. I mention this shortfall because the American propaganda drip won’t ever mention it. They’re too focused on how hard the Iranian consumers have it in the wake of US sanctions. The Iranian consumers didn’t get an increased chocolate ration like you did, Winston.

Maybe if the mongrel media focuses on the Iranian sufferings for long enough, we American consumers can forget all about and ignore our own. Did you see how diesel fuel prices jumped right past that six-dollar mark? It went right up to $6.25 or 25% of the way onto seven dollars a gallon. Never mind, fortunately there was a basketball game and an air crash, a hurricane and a flood to distract you from the coming shortfall. Look what’s happening thousands of miles away! Tragic events with no impact on your life whatsoever, while ignoring tragic events located just down the street.

Speaking of tragic events. The Republican dumpster dive in Dallas has reported 54 Republicans unable (unwilling) to attend this fantasy gala. Sick children, car maintenance, and a desire to spend more time with the family were cited as the top reasons for not attending. Something tells me many will sneak in, sign the guest book, and sneak out. Or hide out in the VIP lounge all night, swilling cocktails and ranting about the good old days. I personally enjoyed the local Dallas media. Talking about early street closures, as if the event was the Super Bowl or something important.

It could be like the mixed martial arts event staged on the White House lawn, where they had to give away tickets to soldiers or anyone with a clean suit and tie. “Hello, Craigslist? I’d like to place a small ad.” This event, like most Trump-inspired events, looks like it could even fall worse than the average Trump event. The only Republicans willing to show up are the desperate and the lost. It’s square dance night on the Titanic!  

Now, the made-up media will try to tell you Mr. Trump’s popularity is at 33%. What they won’t tell you is Mr. Trump’s unpopularity is at 67%! Seven out of ten Americans are dissatisfied. But let’s just gloss over that factoid. In response to retaliatory Canadian tariffs, Mr. Trump suggests breaking off relations with Canada altogether. Why, sure, that sounds like that might work. If Mr.Trump were driving a car, someone would have snatched the wheel away from him by now! Nothing to do but wait for the meteor strike. Mr. Trump suggests we’re renaming New Mexico to “New America.” Imagination and verbalizing apparently aren’t Mr. Trump’s strong suit. “Gulf of America, Lake America, and now New America.” I suggest we rename Washington D.C. New Buttheadville. And rename the White House the Dickweed Palace.

But like all the disasters and disruptions, it’s all for the distraction. It’s better to allow Mr. Trump to make insane statements than it is to ask him about his insane statements. No press secretary, no problem! We just won’t speak to the public directly anymore. We could issue statements through Twuth Social, like an episode of the Twilight Zone where the President was a giant computer hidden in a cave behind a steel door. None could see him, and notes were passed under the door.

Hell hath no fury, like a First Lady silenced! Malaria Trump announced she would not be attending Mr. Trump’s mini (very mini, getting more mini all the time.) convention. A first, the first time in modern history that a First Lady doesn’t show up for her husband’s own convention. That’s not news! Eight hundred pound pumpkins, that’s news! The worst lady is speaking out in every way that she possibly can about her philandering husband, but finds herself largely silenced by the media. Malaria announced she would not be accompanying the President defect to Ireland. Watch carefully! What’s the first logical question not asked? Why? Why isn’t she attending? Nope, here in North Korea those questions are never asked.

It doesn’t matter why not. It’s not important. Hey, they rescued another flood victim in Nepal. High surf in Santa Barbara! Hollywood is preparing another blockbuster! Tom Cruise got a haircut!

Let’s just not talk about it! Let’s just not talk about anything.

But this one is impossible to ignore. The United Nations has recently proved itself wholly incompetent. They have voted to increase the size of Africa on world maps. Since when was the UN put in charge of world maps? I thought it was Rand McNally’s job. But the current Mercator projection map was from 1658. And according to the resolution, Africa was intentionally being denigrated by being downsized. Of all the problems in Africa, this was the issue important enough to take up the UN’s time?

Every world map in the entire world is inherently incorrect. It is taking a three-dimensional sphere and placing it on a two-dimensional plane. World maps are designed to show the relationship between continents and countries. If you make Africa appear larger, you make Madagascar look smaller. You make the Indian Ocean look smaller. Georgia is the largest state east of the Mississippi River, but it doesn’t look like it on a map. Illinois and Florida look much larger. Apparently, the mapmakers also had it in for Georgia. They didn’t want Georgia assuming its rightful place and intentionally made the state appear smaller.

It’s the dumbest thing ever since “Lake America.”

“I find television very educational. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book.” ― Groucho Marx