This Carbon Based Life

By David Glenn Cox

Donald Trump takes an undeserved victory lap over Greenland. Basically, the new agreement is the same as the old agreement. The old Trumpster dumpster needed a victory to hang his hat on to show the American public he’s still on the ball. But who knows what they actually told the old man? They’re going to rename the island New Trump land, in your honor, sir! And they’re going to give you a jewel encrusted falcon every year on your birthday, sir! What Mr. Trump believes and what is actually true is the distance from New York to Los Angeles. You sort of get the feeling they tell Mr. Trump anything, just to placate him into incontinent, senile splendor until juice box time.  

The Chinese Premier rolls into Washington this week for a big summit. That must be frightening for the Trump mechanics, sort of like prepping Mitch McConnell for a spelling bee. But Scott Bessent, the Treasury Secretary, will meet with the Chinese Vice-Premier first, to sort of go over the ground rules. That sounds like a job for the Secretary of State, doesn’t it? Is Marco Rubio on vacation or unwell, or just fallen out of favor again? He comes; he goes. He appears and disappears and is often conspicuous by his absence. I call it Whack- a- cabinet Secretary.

You just never know where they might pop up next. Just like phases of the moon, they come into season and then fall like dry leaves. With the talk of impeachment surrounding Pete Hegseth…he vanishes, or is banished to the sub-basement next to the sled that says “Rosebud” on it. Since Kara Lying, Leavitt quit her job as disinformation officer, there is no press secretary on staff. They must have run out of blondes and now. Mr. Trump depends on Natalie Harp as his fluffer, keeping Mr. Trump dressed and helping him to pee.

For Premier Xi this meeting must be difficult. How do you negotiate with Donald Trump? How do you take him seriously? If the man can’t get along with Canada, who can he get along with? “Wanna see my future ballroom? Wanna see my Dicktory Arch?” If he can’t win a battle with the Kennedy Center, what are his chances with Red Chinese? The two leaders will discuss artificial intelligence, tell lies, smile for the cameras, and then do whatever the hell they were going to do in the first place. For Xi it must be like carrying a very large lump of ice to the North Pole.

Any agreement made with Trump could go right out the window if someone so much as criticizes  Mr. Trump’s necktie. Mr. Trump can barely put together a coherent thought between naps during cabinet meetings. Mr. Trump laid down the trade law to Canada, and now, Canada is the first associate member of the European Union! That sounds kind of sort a permanent! That’s called winning, I mean spinning. Mr. Trump talks tough and Canada answers, go pound sand! Mr. Trump tells Zelensky not to bomb any more Russian oil refineries. And within 24 hrs. The Ukrainians bomb two Russian oil refineries.

There is a gentleman on the BBC who reads and translates Russian newspapers into English each day. The Russian newspapers vacillate on Mr. Trump. They see him like a white knight who might come rescue them from the jaws of defeat someday. But they are constantly being disappointed in him and by him. Like that uncle who always promised to take you to the zoo, but never did. Leaving the Russians hopeful, but cynical. Until they begin to see Mr. Trump as a dry well. A hole filled with possibilities that really never were.

NATO leaders plan and discuss an Article five for Europe, seeing Mr. Trump as entirely undependable. The word of the American President isn’t worth a brass farthing! Mr. Trump announces that he has a big decision to make. (Drumroll please) Whether or not to restart his campaign of death and destruction in Iran. That same campaign we stopped because we had squandered most of our weaponry. We can still do it again! No, we can’t. Do you think Iran is frightened by  Mr. Trump’s big announcement? “Oh, no! Mr. Trump is threatening us again, whatever should we do? Hold me, I’m scared! Oh, please, Mr. Trump, please, please, not that. Spare us, oh mighty one!”

As usual, and as we’ve come to expect from the American media, they will shade the truth about the actual reason for the meeting. The upcoming summit is all about Iran. Only Iran! Write that down, Iran! Iran’s best friend outside the Islamic world is China. Iran’s largest customer for their oil is China. Oil that isn’t getting to China anymore. Recently, China was accused of supplying satellite photos to Iran, which allowed Iran to target a US military base. Discussions will be pointed, China isn’t about to allow Donald Trump to fuck up the Chinese economy, like he is the US economy. The Dow Jones average has lost three thousand points since beginning his three day special military operation. With seven dollar a gallon diesel on the horizon, the Dow can be expected to lose even more.

China’s message to Trump is simple: “Back off, if you know what’s good for you.” You can’t honestly expect the world’s second largest economy on the planet to sit quietly, while Mr. Trump fucks up their domestic economy for his own self-aggrandizement. Mr. Trump is like a bronze statue, impressive on the outside but hollow on the inside. China’s not coming to drink toasts and negotiate AI trade deals. China has come to poke their finger in Mr. Trump’s chest while saying “KNOCK IT OFF!” Back off Boogaloo! There’s a new sheriff in town, and you ain’t it! You’re the deputy, Barney Fife!

But could the American media ever tell you that story? No way! In their eyes, Mr. Trump is forty feet tall! His word is the unquestioned law from one side of the Oval Office to the other until he falls asleep again. He controls the tides! He makes the sun shine down upon us and makes the trains run on time. Everyone will smile for the cameras, but when the doors close, Mr. Trump will receive a stern lecture in no uncertain terms.

You had to know it would come to this, eventually. Mr. Trump’s military adventures have finally escalated beyond his grasp. Trump’s toxic mess spilling over into unintended consequences. Until getting a stern warning and a lecture. You had better knock this stupid nonsense in Iran off right now, or else. The great and powerful Oz being put in his place.

“My kind of loyalty was loyalty to one’s country, not to its institutions or its officeholders. The country is the real thing, the substantial thing, the eternal thing; it is the thing to watch over, and care for, and be loyal to; institutions are extraneous, they are its mere clothing, and clothing can wear out, become ragged, cease to be comfortable, cease to protect the body from winter, disease and death.”

– Mark Twain