By David Glenn Cox
Whenever this column doesn’t appear, it’s never for lack of information or desire, but rather from an overabundance of it, until I feel like a teakettle in a Disney cartoon. Mr. Trump goes to the Untidy Nations, an organization founded upon the goal of world peace and threatens world war. (Bravo, bravo!) Should have been done a long time ago! But first, Mr. Trump gives a domestic stump speech to the international body; entitled, “Why I’m so great!” It is our clearest chance yet to evidence that Mr. Trump is a picnic basket short a couple of ham sandwiches.
It is the delusional disconnect of forgetting to whom Mr. Trump is speaking. It’s like his war on the press. The Corporate News Network or MS What haven’t actually done anything lately to offend him other than be around when he gets bad news from his staff. His anger manifests as “Hey you kids! Get off my lawn!” Mr. Trump then reels off the first names he can think of. Show me on the doll where they hurt you, sir! Obviously, Mr. Trump loses in court and calls the judge in the case. “disloyal.” Insert: Twilight Zone theme. I appointed him, so he must always agree with me! Sure! That’s how that works.
At first, Mr. Trump was ready to fight about it in court. Then after he was talked down out of his tree, he wants to be petulant and pissy about it. “Okay, you can have your press credentials back, but you can’t attend the state dinner, so there! (sticks out tongue) Nanny, nanny, boo, boo! Since Mr. Trump was in New York anyway, his future ex-wife Malaria stopped by to pick up her check and save Mr.Trump a stamp. She got a call from her agent requiring her presence to reprise her role as Mrs. Trump. Four hours minimum, with time and a half for overtime! No taxes taken out. “You wait over there out of sight, Natalie.”
It was the grand love fest (SWAK!) Pucker up, sweetheart, Premier Xi has arrived with his “beautiful wife” Okay, okay, knock it off. Enough! With that much syrup applied, he’s gonna draw flies. They’ve pulled out all the stops and all the whistles. A full state dinner with fried rice and Snickers bars. Notice how Mr. Trump did all the talking publicly? Like a nervous driver trying to talk a cop out of giving him a ticket. He’s allayed our fear about artificial intelligence by renaming it “Lake America” or superintelligence. Do you feel better about it now?
Mr. Trump’s anxiety and volatility are directly related to the election forecasts he’s receiving. It’s bad, it’s Herbert Hoover bad. Of eleven close races, the Democrats are expected to win nine of them. The Republicans will lose control of the House and Senate and let the investigations begin! A funny thing happened on the way to the disaster area. The Nasdaq reached a new record high, while a record number of stocks hit 52-week lows. That has only happened twice before in the last one hundred years. Once in 1999, right before the dot-com bubble burst, and the other time was in 1929.
I learned a new term this week called “force majeure.” It means we can’t pay our bills because of extenuating circumstances, such as a war or a pandemic. Or because there is a real dark cloud on the horizon and Oracle wants to get out ahead of it. With billions and billions of other people’s dollars invested, Oracle warns them of “force majeure.” Or, I’d gladly pay you Tuesday for a hamburger today! Apparently, Superintelligence is really, really smart, but just not very profitable. “Open the pod bay doors, Hal. Quit fucking around, Hal!”
Times are so good, Starbucks; the home of America’s favorite overpriced coffee, is closing 200 locations. The administration is weighing a diesel export ban. Because Republicans believe in letting the free market work! They’ve been warned that banning diesel exports will cause the price of gasoline to rise. Because it’s big oil, you know? And you just can’t win with big oil. If you punish the left hand they will only take more with the right. But even amidst the ruins there is comedy.
Mr. Trump invited Vladimir Putin to attend the G-20 meeting. The same G-20 Mr. Putin was previously thrown out of. It’s like inviting your drunken uncle to a baby shower. No one wants him there except Donald Trump. The good news is Mr. Putin will probably not attend. He’s up to his asshole in alligators right now. If Vlad were to leave the country at this point, there is a good chance he would be overthrown and never allowed to return. But reports say Mr. Putin has adopted a new war strategy of buying Mr. Trump off. Using Trump’s chief bag men of Kushner and Wyckoff. Offering Mr. Trump free oil leases and rare earth minerals, it’s instant oligarch, just add water and steal. Three guesses as to what Mr. Trump would be required to do first? (Hint: it involves the G-20.) They don’t like me, so you help me get back in.
Mr. Trump received record low polling in The New York Crimes. 29% in popularity, but when asked about his handling of the economy the figure drops to 27% They must let the air out slowly, so as not to cause a panic. Record high gas prices, a trade war and a doubling of freight rates and Mr. Trump only loses four points? Sure, sure, I believe. Farmers facing soaring diesel prices ahead of the harvest. Question! Why was the administration considering a diesel expert ban if they weren’t worried about the supply running out in the first place? Imagine the panic if they ever told you the truth! In Kentucky, the Democrat leads the Republican candidate by 25 points. Be careful not to get any blood on the walls!
The Safaris are tuning up to play “Wipeout!” As Mr. Trump falls asleep during a meeting with Premier Xi because Trump can’t sleep at night, he’s hounded by the ghosts of failure past, present, and future. As a child afraid of the dark, he projects toughness at the UN and childishness at home. “I’ll get you, my pretty, and your little dog, CNN too!” I’m not afraid of the dark. I’m not afraid of the dark. I’m not afraid of the…snore.
“..it’s awful not to be loved. It’s the worst thing in the world…It makes you mean, and violent, and cruel.” ― John Steinbeck,
“In every age it has been the tyrant, the oppressor and the exploiter who has wrapped himself in the cloak of patriotism, or religion, or both to deceive and overawe the People.” ― Eugene Victor Debs
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