By David Glenn Cox
Donald Trump is going to build a steel mill in Iowa! Donald Trump is going to send five hundred dollar checks to one million Americans overcharged on their government healthcare. Donald Trump announces a fifty-four billion dollar LNG plant. Donald Trump announces free ice cream and candy bars in the park! (Free puppies and kittens too!) Donald Trump announces the removal of all American troops from Iraq, again. Shhh, don’t tell anyone, but that was an Iranian precondition for peace. I smell tacos!
The US has abandoned bases in Syria and Jordan or had them abandoned for them by Iranian missiles. Are you paying attention, Iran? We’re leaving! Just like you wanted us to! Bye! See ya! What did you actually expect from the lethargy media; to tell you the truth? No, no, no, this was Donald Trump’s statesmanship, and long overdue it was. He’s bringing the boys home, isn’t it wonderful? “They’ll be bluebirds over the white cliffs of Dover, tomorrow when the world is free!” It’s chicken parading as beef!
With the broken clock rule in force, Senate goof and no-good Nik Texas Republican Ken Paxton said. The Republican midterm convention in Dallas actually hurt Republican chances. Let’s unpack that just a little further. Whose idea was the convention? Who was the keynote speaker on both nights? Did they address the pressing affairs and concerns of the American people or just blame everything on Joe Biden? Who could Ken Paxton be alluding to then? It sounds like he’s quaking in his boots, scared. Pointing fingers and placing blame even before election day rolls around. Sounds like Paxton’s internal polling must be a real bitch.
At least seven tankers were struck in and around the straits of Hormuz. Wait a damn minute! How’d that get in here? That’s not good news! That’s why you didn’t hear about it! This is a charm offensive. Donald Trump is not the insane, power-mad, would-be dictator narcissist, you thought. He’s a statesman acting (acting) very presidential lately. Gone are the stories about his ridiculous ballroom or his Dicktory Arch. Forget about his war on the press or his vengeful lies and comments about the courts.
It appears someone has felt the rain and finally looked up. Me? Me! What do you mean they don’t like Me? Of course they do, they love me! The farmers aren’t happy and the ranchers aren’t happy. The truckers are furious, and mom and pop are just mad. JD Vance took the stage at a campaign event to zero applause, vice-presidential crickets. “What’s he doing here?”
Home prices are falling and car repossessions are at record highs. Floriduh home prices have fallen between seven and thirty percent. To compound matters, migration to Floriduh is at the lowest level in a generation. But wait; there’s still more. Because no one is moving to Floriduh, the Floriduhridians have to sell their homes to each other. But because of the lower wage scale in Floriduh, that won’t work. Not at those prices, at least. They need Canadians and fresh retirees, and they aren’t coming. A free puppy or kitty or candy bar with every short sale home purchase!
It’s right out there on the edge of the horizon. Home prices starting to crumble, consumer credit and default rates are at record highs. Here it comes any day now. Oracle has invested 500 billion dollars in Lake America Intelligence data centers. With only one problem, well, two, actually. Oracle has invested this king’s ransom for only one customer, Open AI aka Open Lake America. And they’re not reaching their growth targets or turning a profit. It means the bankers who lent Oracle 136 billion dollars are getting a bit nervous. It means Oracle’s stock price is going the way of Floriduh home prices. It means there is a chill on all AI projects. The future may look bright, but the current times are dimmer than JD Vance’s presidential prospects.
McDonalds, the world’s largest manufacturer of plastic foodstuffs, reports a 30% stock price decline in six months. It seems for some reason the public is walking away. Maybe economic hardship? McDonald’s has a plan! More fluorescent lights and more greasy kiosks touch screens! Let’s remodel the store! That’s the problem! Burger King is shuttering locations. Wendy’s, Starbucks and Subway too! Layoffs at Walmart. Gosh, if only there was some sort of business or enterprise that could inform us about the news of what is honestly going on in America.
GM (General Malfunction) is recalling over 600,000 vehicles for defective engines. These failing engines are causing a shortage of replacement engines. With reports of nearly seven thousand defective replacement engines failing for a second time. Gee, but that sounds expensive. One poor sap had less than 600 miles on his $80,000 truck only to be told about the shortage of replacement engines. Just one of those stories that somehow just doesn’t reach the news. Missing Hikers found! New cat species discovered! Google invents worthless, but incredibly expensive eyeglasses. Look, everybody, phones that fold! It’s true! Ain’t modern life great! Ain’t that marvelous? Huh, huh?
Mr. Trump hopes the charm offensive will try to convince you to ignore the high fuel prices. The trade war, the diesel shortage, and our forthcoming surrender to Iran. But they’ve already figured that one out. We’re not going to have a peace treaty, we’re going to have a permanent ceasefire. No winners and no losers! It’s a tie! Like kissing your Iranian sister! Iran gets most of what they want and Donald Trump gets to threaten to wipe them off the map on a regular basis. Mr. Trump says he has a BIG decision ahead of him. Whether to wave the olive branch of peace or complete Iranian nuclear annihilation. Stop it with such talk; you’re scaring poor Fucker Carlson.
Too little, too late. They have woken to find that school has started without them. The Republican midterm convention flopped. JD Vance flopped. Pete Hogshead and the war in Iran flopped. The trade war flopped. The imported beef flopped. The tariffs have backfired. The war on immigrants has flopped. Venezuela has flopped! Only one plan in the entire administration has been successful. The complete and utter avoidance and silencing about the truth of the Jeffrey Epstein affair. The largest and most outrageous sex scandal in American history. Buried like the victims at Jeffrey Epstein’s New Mexico ranch. Congratulations to the American news media! You make your North Korea teachers proud of their star apprentices.
We have before us grievous times, times which try men’s souls. Rebuilding our house and reclaiming our legacy. Repairing the damage and apologizing to our friends for our recent behavior. Beware the Ides of November.
“Totalitarian ideology is able to blackmail man through his inner cowardice It threatens him into surrendering his innermost convictions in exchange for glamour and acceptance…”
― Joost A.M. Meerloo
“You have sat too long here for any good you have been doing. Depart, I say, and let us have done with you. In the name of God, go.” – Oliver Cromwell. 1653
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