By David Glenn Cox
As a general rule of thumb, whenever the boss steals, everyone gets to steal. It cannot be otherwise because if the boss steals and prohibits others from stealing, someone will rat him or her out. We all know that Donald Trump steals. Vladimir Putin has offered to make Mr. Trump an instant oligarch with oil wells and rare earth minerals, all to obtain certain concessions in regards to Ukraine.
A Florida associate of little Marco Rubio was recently convicted of working as an agent of Venezuela. So when the accusations against Don Junior’s ex-girlfriend Kimberly Guilfoyle arose, little Marco was indignant and rightfully outraged. How dare you hurl unfounded accusations at this poor woman! So what if the shakedown victim himself squeals to the Wall Street Journal! That’s not proof! It’s not proof, but by little Marco’s reaction, it must be pretty close to proof.
Gosh darn it, little Marco doesn’t get out much. He flies to Greece, makes his little speech, pisses everyone off, and then the ambassador gets busted, ruining his trip. Little Marco is the official Secretary of State, but he works under the auspices of the bagmen Kushner and Wycoff. They negotiate the payments and little Marco signs the paperwork to make it all look official. It really isn’t that they steal if it is done properly and with decorum and dignity. But pay off my American Express card and I’ll be your meal ticket is just tawdry. One hundred thousand dollars in debt on a credit card? Boy, how the other half lives! How much Botox is she buying? Does Amazon send a dump truck to her house?
But there she was on the matrimonial path with Junior. With his daddy about to become her daddy. When something went wrong, the infamous Trump wandering eye, perhaps. Guilfoyle was out and someone new was in. Kimberly knows where all the bodies are buried. Quick, make her an ambassador and ship her off to another continent. Somewhere safe; where she can’t cause any trouble. Antarctica maybe, we have an ambassador to Antarctica, don’t we? The blanket of media silence is already beginning to fall. Fall like October, like an October surprise. This new scandal certainly won’t help the Republicans come November.
But there is more; scuttlebutt has it that ABC (The American Bullshit Company) has quietly quashed a story about Don Junior and Eric being up to their eyeballs in lucrative government contracts. I was watching a documentary about the Indo-European language last night, the predecessor of our modern English language. Apparently, the root of the name Eric means the man who farts loudly in the forest. Or the ball lost in high weeds. Experts say that I made that up. But with Eric Trump, it still sounds plausible. There is an archaic policy left over from the good old days which says the media won’t squeal on the grand exhaustive ruler if there are less than thirty days before an election. (Unless it’s a Democrat) That wouldn’t be sporting, now would it? Mr. Trump wouldn’t like that story very much, would he? He might do a double Jimmy Kimmel tap dance on their heads.
But I’m gonna go out on a limb here and speculate that if you scratch the paint off of any of the bugs in this regime, you’ll find a winner, Kimberly isn’t alone. They say the going rate for a pardon is one and a half million dollars. The rapper Boosie paid $600,000 to Washington lobbying firm JM Burkman and Associates. Under the terms of the contract, if they can’t buy you a pardon, fifty percent of your money will be gladly refunded with a smile. Then it wasn’t, and Boosie is suing. Note to Boosie; next time try someone with a little closer affiliation and get a discount! Kimberly could have saved him a whole heck of a lot of money, if he’d just paid off her American Express card.
Future felon and acting Attorney General Todd Blanch visited with Ghislaine Maxwell in dirty prison cell prison. When wham, bam, she’s transferred to Camp Candy Land and given a puppy. Shhh, he can’t do it right now. But he will as soon as he can. Mum’s the word, right? In the meantime, here’s his Netflix password.
Amex wants a payment every month and would prefer a full payment. But I’ve heard that celebrities, and athletes, and politicos get special treatment. You and I get, “Your account is PAST DUE! Remit a payment immediately or we’ll ruin your credit and call the law. Celebrities get, “Did you forget something? I guess you must have forgotten your payment this month. We understand; it happens to us too. So when you get around to it, please remit a minimum payment of $10,000 at your earliest convenience. Sorry to bother you. Thanks!”
Malaria Trump got millions and a movie all because she’s just so damn interesting. In retrospect, it was a deal worked out between Bezos and Trump. Pay this bimbo off for me and get her out of my hair piece. A separation bonus. Out goes Malaria and in comes Natalie. Ladies and gentlemen, let me introduce our next ambassador to Fredonia, Malaria Trump!
“Tank you, tank you, I so look forward to working with Groucho and Chico and Mrs. Teasdale.”
It was just the other day when Donald Trump went a threatening to whomp Iran with doom and destruction. Then someone whispered in his ear just how unpopular that statement actually was. So now we get, “I won’t attack Iran until after the midterm elections, vote Republican!”
But you can see it coming with your own eyes and feel it in your bones. The wheels are coming off. Mr. Trump implores Ken Paxton in a Twuth Social post to debate James Talarico. Please! Don’t just stand there, do something! It’s our best indicator yet of what Republican internal polling is showing. With Paxton’s scandal-plagued past, he knows better, that a debate would become a shooting gallery. “Mr. Paxton, why did you cheat on your wife? Mr. Paxton, why did Texas Republicans (your own party) try to impeach you for corruption?” Ken Paxton can’t debate without it sounding like an episode of Dragnet. (The story you have just seen is true.)
It’s Mr. Trump’s way of saying it’s fourth down and long Ken, with three seconds left on the clock, throw the Hail Mary pass! It’s Mr. Trump messaging us that he thinks Ken Paxton is going to lose. The cornered orange rat is beginning to freak out.
“Either this man is dead or my watch has stopped.”
― Groucho Marx
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