This Carbon Based Life

By David Glenn Cox

I’m not just another pretty face, you know. I’m an attorney! And I practiced corporate law for just years and years! (Places finger in cheek and twists.) Yes, an attorney! The bar? Well, okay, I never took the bar exam. I had children to raise, and I never planned on practicing law. Well, okay, I took the bar exam, but I failed it. (See, I was too busy having children.) Damn kids, It’s all their fault! The university said I could still call myself a “lawyer” and they should know, shouldn’t they? They told me I was a lawyer! I wasn’t lying; they said I could!

The goofy thing about it all for Press Secretary Katie Zacharia was that no one prompted her. No one went back looking for her college transcript. She volunteered the information. She bragged on it openly. She already had the job. She could have just stepped to the lectern and said, “Good morning. I’m Katie Zacharia, and I’ll be President Trump’s new press secretary. I so look forward to meeting everyone.”

But when she boasted about being an attorney to the press, she was just asking for it. If she’d said she was an astronaut at NASA and flew the space shuttle. You’d have to expect someone is going to check. If you have that kind of skeleton rattling around in your closet. Shut up about it! “I once played bass on tour with the Rolling Stones. I’m Paul McCartney’s illegitimate love child!” You already have the job, shut up! I guess we know now how her job interview went.

“Oh, she’s good. I thought Paul Simon wrote that song. In most civilized countries, a first week like this on the job for Katie Zacharia would also be her last week on the job for Katie Zacharia. Congratulations Katie. You’ve made it to Friday! Let’s see if you can do it again, now that your credibility is in the toilet. This being the Trump junta, embarrassed/disgraced Cabinet Secretaries are placed in time out and disappeared from the public until it’s safe to come out again. But seeing as how she’s the new Press Secretary, that could be difficult to arrange.

Resident Trump says he didn’t slow down Starlink for Ukraine after making a deal with Vladimir Putin. And Elon Musk backs him up on his claim. Well, there you have it. Case closed! I mean, if those two paragons of virtue and unimpeachable sources said they didn’t do it. Then, said they didn’t do it again. What else is left to say? Mr. Trump blamed bad weather for the slowdown. Why, sure, that never happens all the time. Everyone knows that satellite communications and the internet are prone to interference from bad weather. Try putting some aluminum foil on the rabbit ears. That always helps with the reception.

Maryland Republican Representative Andy Harris recently said in a debate that high diesel prices were caused by environmental regulations imposed by the Democrats. The old Obama, Joe Biden, did it routine. But the audience laughed, which only made the Congressman angrier. “Oh, I get it! You only respect the First Amendment when you agree with someone!” Harris then went on to call the audience “rude”. Why don’t you try calling them stupid too, while you’re at it and see how that goes for you? Harris then sparred with reporters in a post-debate interview. Telling a reporter incorrectly, that Maryland was a two-party state and she needed his permission to film him. Then, calling in security! “Security, she’s filming me in a room full of reporters without my permission!” This is right after mentioning the First Amendment in his debate speech. Insisting that he knew the law because he was a Congressman.

From those with limited scope, you must expect limited ideas. President defect Trump threatens Iran with the mother of all bombs. If you’re losing a rock fight, get bigger rocks! The Moab is to be used to wipe out the secret Iranian nuclear facilities that President defect Trump told us were already completely wiped out the last time he bombed them. When the going gets tough, the tough get a bigger bomb. This will do it! This will have the Iranians begging us to quit. Just like President defect Trump told us last time.

I was amused by an OX News thumbnail headline. “President Trump says the war with Iran will end soon!” Can I quote you on that? He’s been saying that for months now! You would think even the average impaired OX News watcher would be a mite suspicious of that claim. The very idea of Mr. Trump bragging about using bigger bombs hints at what we already suspect. “I’m gonna get a big giant rock, and then you’ll be sorry!” Why not just announce to the whole world, “We don’t have a clue! Oh, God help us, we’re stuck!”

The Saudi/Yemen campaign against the Houthis was going great until the Houthis counterattacked. The problem is simple. A large area and small forces. When the Saudis attack in Yemen, the Houthis attack in Saudi Arabia, hitting the airport in Riyadh and striking the headquarters of the national oil company. When asked if the Saudis would seek assistance from the United States. The Saudis answered, “Oh, God no! In the name of Allah, please no!” This is all Mr. Trump’s doing.

The expansion of the war in Yemen is a direct result of Mr. Trump’s war with Iran. The Houthis see this as a golden opportunity. Like Scrabble, triple word score! The United States is busy, and that leaves the Saudis all alone and on their own. It’s probably one of those warnings the DOD gave before Pete Hogsbreath fired them all. “You’re all too woke! Get out!” The US Navy announced they had cleared the Strait of Hormuz of all mines… except one, sinking a freighter. Oh. what a tangled web we weave when we get Trump co. involved. It’s safe! I tell you it’s safe…pretty much.

While we’re on the subject of lying. Despite a huge effort in time and money, Republicans are beginning to fear that the Texas Senate race is lost. For the first time since 1932, the Senate race in Blood-Red Kansas is considered a toss-up. What is the main issue on the ballot? Donald Trump! Our OX News poll finds Mr. Trump’s approval rating at 36%. You believe that, don’t you? Alaska and Maine are also in play. The roof is caving in! Sure, I believe! If you would like, the President will come campaign with you! “No, no, no! Thank you anyway! Oh, God no!”

If you believe that 36% number, I have some ocean front property here in Arizona I’ll sell you! Hurry, hurry, don’t be late! The AI data center bubble is collapsing. It’s going great! Because of rising inflation and rising interest rates, the cost of borrowing billions and billions of dollars is exploding and becoming prohibitive. Anybody want to buy a half-finished data center? It only needs a couple of hundred billion dollars to complete. Be the first one on your block to own your own data center! They said AI could potentially wipe out all humanity. It might wipe out the Wall Street stock market before it ever gets started on humanity.

“Lying is universal – we all do it. Therefore, the wise thing is for us diligently to train ourselves to lie thoughtfully, judiciously; to lie with a good object, and not an evil one; to lie for others’ advantage,and not our own; to lie healingly, charitably, humanely, not cruelly, hurtfully, maliciously; to lie gracefully and graciously, not awkwardly and clumsily; to lie firmly, frankly, squarely, with head erect, not haltingly, tortuously, with pusillanimous mien, as being ashamed of our high calling.”
― Mark Twain