By David Glenn Cox
And Jesus spoke, and he said unto them. “One of my beloved will deny me three times before the cock crows thrice.” Sit down, Hegseth. He said cock, not dick. “And one of my beloved will betray me!” No, Jesus! No, all of them will betray you. They’re Republicans, not apostles!
Michigan Republican Senate candidate Mike Rogers was asked a very simple question. Simple until maybe a couple of months ago. And now, the question gets tougher all the time as we move towards November 3rd. Rogers was asked, “Are you a Maga Republican?” Rogers put on his tap dancing shoes and began. “Tea for two and two for tea. I’m for you, and you’re for me!” Are you a Maga Republican? “I was strolling through the park one day. In the very merry month of May.” Are you a Maga Republican? I’m very glad that you asked me that question. You know, sometimes in the hustle and bustle of day-to-day politics, we can become distracted and bogged down by unimportant side issues and meaningless details. Labels which don’t really mean anything at all in the grand scheme of things. I’m sorry. What was your question again? Are you a Maga Republican? And orange Jesus wept.
Et tu, Brute? How bad is it really? They are denying the man! Who? Oh, him, yeah sure. I was never once one of his big followers. We had a few laughs and met on a few social occasions, but I don’t really know the man. Well, like Susan Collins you voted with him 99% of the time. Really? I’m sort of surprised by that figure. Are you sure about those numbers? Well, I’ll be switched. Leave me alone! Go away! Get away from me!
Just ten days ago, the pundits said, the Democrats could wind up with 219 seats and take control of the House. This from Ox News yesterday: “Well, sure, the Democrats might end up with as many as 240 seats. That could easily happen.” The idea of taking control of the Senate has moved from a pipe dream to a foregone conclusion, with some pollsters saying the Democrats could pick up as many as SEVEN seats.
Down-ballot Republicans in Ohio are looking to kick the shit out of Vivek Rama smarmy. He did this to us! We’re all ruined! Him and his goddamn TV ad! In Texas, Gregg “Bubba” Abbott was running a stealth campaign. The more I don’t say nothing, the better I look! But the Senate race between James Talarico and Ken (Radioactive) Paxton has made Bubba’s chances slightly less every day. Well now, how do you feel about data centers, Bubba? Well, ah, well, ah, I mean, gosh, that’s such a tough question. Was it such a tough question when Elon Musk asked you with his checkbook out? Oh God, this is fun!
This is funner than watching a slip and slide contest with tree roots in the yard. The whole thing is like the shattering of a window pane. It’s busted, alright, and there ain’t no fixing it! Pentagon sources announced that the US will begin reducing its military footprint in the Middle East. Operation: Orange Cowardly Chicken Shit will commence immediately. You know, it’s not often they can drive home a point through Orange Jesus’s thick skull, but he’s gone all Helen Keller mute on the subject of Russian diesel. Today, he was bragging about a ship out in the harbor loaded with a million gallons of Venezuelan crude oil! Sir, that’s not an oil tanker. That’s the ferry boat to Mustang Island.
Yeah, sure, we could even make Venezuela our fifty-first state now that Canada’s and that smart ass Mark Carney are out of the running. Every time Trumpo mentions oil, he mentions Greenland. “Greenland has lots of oil.” But originally, our interest in Greenland was all about national security and securing Arctic trade routes and such. But Goofus Rex is running down. The US Geological Survey estimates that there is oil in Greenland. The same way they estimated there was oil in the Arctic Wildlife Refuge. After twenty years of lobbying and all they found were moose and polar bears. It’s just another sign of his cheese slipping off the cracker. “Pennies for defense and billions for me!”
Mr. Trump has offered a bounty of one million dollars for anyone who could show him voter fraud. I was struck by the fact that he didn’t qualify that remark. I could show him the case from two years ago, where the guy was convicted of voting with his dead wife’s mail-in ballot. Pay up, fat boy! Or I could mention the Tina Peters case, where rich white woman entitlement meets dark hard time jail. “Unhand me, you ruffian!” Where Peter’s allowed Republican operatives into the election bureau to monkey around with the state’s computers. You remember her, don’t you? She’s still in jail, so pay up in cash. Sorry, no checks.
If you think it’s hard times for orange Jesus. Consider the Lilies and dildos of the field. Kid Rock (A 55-year old man who still calls himself a Kid) That’s like a Republican calling himself “Honest” Vote for Honest Ken Paxton. But poor Kid Rock was crying the blues on Ox News the other day. You see, because of his affiliation with Donald Trump, he’s missed out on lots of lucrative engagements. You know what I’m talking about, stadium shows and world tours, for a one-hit wonder who hasn’t had a song in the charts in almost twenty years. And think of the product endorsements he’s missed. “Are you sometimes constipated?”
Yep, it’s all because of his affiliation with Donald Trump. The world can be so cruel. “Starry, starry night. Paint your palette blue and gold.” Damn liberals, I could be on top again if it wasn’t for my politics, my age, and my lack of talent. What do you mean the kids don’t want a 55-year old pop singer? I can do other things! Watch me rap. Watch me break-dance! Never mind, I can still rap.
It would be tragic if it wasn’t so Goddamn funny. They’re talking about states undreamed of only a month ago. Iowa was considered a long shot, and now, the Democrat has pulled slightly ahead. The Alabama governor’s race is in single digits. After all the bullshit we’ve had to put up with and endure, with Donald Trump and his cult of fools, criminals and mental midgets, we deserve this, and so do they!
“Be not afraid of greatness. Some are born great, some achieve greatness, while others step in dog shit and just can’t help themselves.”
“Never doubt a fuckup’s natural ability to fuck up gracefully and with finesse.”
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