This Carbon Based Life

Mark Twain once said, “write about what you know.” I know only two things really, politics and sarcasm. That’s it and that explains it all completely. I was born into a political family. My grandfather was political, and my father was political. My mother was political, and my sisters were political too. The topic of conversation around the dinner table every night was you guessed it,  the politics of the day.

I was the youngest, so I had to move fast and learn quickly, if I was to have any say at all over the evening meal. Very quickly school teachers learned not to call on me. I was subject to go off on some wierd tangent about the Labor Movement or the John Birch Society or Eugene Debs. So, I used to get this in school; “Does anyone besides Dave know who the Secretary of Defense is? I might have only wanted to use the restroom, but they weren’t taking any chances.

My Father was a Democratic District Committeeman on the South side of Chicago and a lifetime member of the ACLU. This is where the sarcasm comes in. Whenever anyone would say anything derogatory about the God damned blankity blank ACLU! My father would quickly pull out his membership card and answer, “Like this!”

Whenever the subject was taxes, my father would pipe up saying. “I wish I could double my taxes! Cause then, I’d have to triple my income!” See, the acorn doesn’t fall far from the tree.

My Grandfather was a Union Organizer who once got his head busted open on a picket line courtesy of a local police officer. He was arrested once for inciting a riot, after he punched a Ku Klux Klansman in the nose and bloodied his white robe. My father was sent running home to tell the family, Daddy was going to jail…again. His crimes were always Union related, for talking back or resisting assault or punching a Klansman.

Mark Twain also said, “to write for free until someone offers to pay you.” But back in Twain’s day, every town with a saloon and a bawdy house, also had a newspaper. Readers were plentiful and writers were few. And almost all the newspapers were staunchly Republican. Dan Quayle’s grandpa owned a whole string of newspapers across the midwest. That’s how you get ahead in politics kids. Always remember, Citizen Kane wasn’t a work of fiction.

Over the course of my career, I’ve written about automobiles, Real Estate, old age, Rock and Roll music and even natural funerals. I can write about most anything, but politics is the easiest and comes the most natural to me. The results seem positive. This little blog with no advertising budget and only word of mouth is approaching a quarter of a million reads. Almost 7,000 Social media shares and tens of thousands of likes.

So, I took Mr. Twain’s advice and wrote for free, but the world has changed a lot since Twain’s time. These days, most writers write for free.

But I’ve come to the conclusion, I couldn’t get hired if I brought my own printing press and paid for the ink. I recently applied at a local rag that suggested I send along the best samples of my work. And I must tell you, I’ve never been rejected quite so fast in my life. At least, not since I asked that cheerleader to the prom. I sent this rag an article with 8,300 reads. And I doubt if their rag got 8,000 reads this month.

But I understand, I’m neither fish nor fowl. I realize I’m too sarcastic for straight news and too political for straight comedy. I figure you ought to have a good laugh before you tie the noose around the light fixture. And the Democrats are trying to get rid of all the gas stoves!

The initial Idea was to build up an audience, and then, some plucky entrepreneur would reach down and snatch me from obscurity. Well, scratch that idea. I don’t like the idea of asking for money, it makes me feel like I’m panhandling. “Say Brother, could you spare a few dollars to buy an old duffer, a bottle of Ripple and a pack of them rolling papers?”

But if every reader would send just one dollar. I could be knee deep in hookers and ilicit drugs in no time at all, and no longer a burden on the local taxpayers. I hate the idea of asking for money, but I do so like the idea of having money.

That seems to be the modern business model these days. I get annoyed with the “Please like and subscribe” routine, even before they show you anything.  But please, like and subscribe! When you live in electronic Rome, you do as the electronic Romans do. And some are asking for money to build houses and restore sailing yachts. I’d be happy with a hamburger and a six pack of Heineken.

I had incorrectly thought maybe, I could get some billionaire to give me lots of money, but that’s just not the way it’s done anymore. Today’s business model is to get a million people to send you a dollar or two. I was just kidding about the illicit drugs and the hookers. Anyway, I’m too old for hookers and weed is legal now. So technically, it’s not an illicit anymore, it’s medicine. And so, I’m finally right with the law, after all these years!

Tucker Carlson started his website the Daily Crawler with two million dollars and a letter of credit. I started this with two million less and no credit. Are you going to let him get away with that?

Remember what Jesus said, “Give him some money, so he will stop pestering me!”