By David Glenn Cox
I saw something yesterday; it was the funniest thing I saw all day. It wasn’t really political; it is but it isn’t. Just more doilies on the Titanic stuff to redecorate the shadows of our lives with. Some people collect figurines, some collect classic cars. Think apocalyptic! What if the Russkies drop the big one tomorrow? What good are your NASCAR figurines going to do for you then?
What if? What if you woke up tomorrow, and all your paper money was suddenly worthless? You’d have to trade ole Junior Johnson for a handful of moldy beans. Instead, you should liquidate those silly government insured funds and convert them to gold! As a hedge against inflation and societal collapse. But I won’t make you wait; I’ll get right to the good stuff. As the announcer was extolling the virtuous glories of gold ownership was the image of the company’s celebrity endorser. None other than Ted Nugent! (Stop laughing)
Can you imagine relaxing in your condo in Maui and saying out loud, “I owe it all to Ted Nugent’s financial advice.” You’ve got to be kidding me! I cannot imagine a worse celebrity endorsement for a product. What? Was Robert Wagner busy? But it is always wise to assume people know their own business better than you do. Sure, it looks dumb. Of course, it does, you’re sane!
These companies know their audience and they know what they are doing. “Shit fire and save the matches Honey! We’ll put our gold coins with our dehydrated beans under the pool table in the basement. We got our solar generator and water purification tablets and radiation indicator badges. We need us some gold coins! So, we can trade with all the other possible nuclear survivors or mutants we meet along the way rebuilding the world.
Forgetting the exchange rate in Apocalypse land is pretty steep. A gallon of gas or a pound of rice making those gold coins’ value plunge to plastic poker chip levels. What are you going to do with those? And then the apocalypse finally comes with no Jesus and just this worthless bag of coins. Damn your smiling photo, Ted Nugent! I’m stuck in the apocalypse with a bag full of worthless coins!”
The companies like using names like “Defender” and “Patriot” or “Pioneer” harkening back to a time when Americans bitched less and struggled more. Reinforcing the mindset of their customer as strong and proud and brave. While actually their customer is very afraid and preparing for the sky to fall at any minute. Because the Bible says so and the Bible is never wrong. It can be off by a few thousand years either way sometimes but is never wrong.
A customer profile emerges, Bible thumping, apocalypse comin’ and Ted Nugent lovin’. Music for the end of the world! “Wango Tango!” Let us pray. “Well gee, if a guy the caliber of Ted Nugent endorses it, it must be good!” Like Smuckers only without the “M”!
Living in the basement of a 1950s nuclear scenario with the can goods waiting for door-to-door Jesus to arrive. A 21st Century Daniel Boone, Bible in one hand can opener in the other, living in the new nuclear wilderness. Rebuilding the imaginary world, the liberals destroyed in a reverse evolutionary pattern.
If this had been an actual dehydrated bean eating nuclear emergency. Your first job emerging from the basement would be to get a shovel and begin to bury the thousands of corpses of your friends and neighbors. If only they would have listened to you and Ted Nugent.
Actually, a far better nuclear holocaust hedge would be handguns and hard liquor. With a basement full of whiskey or 38 specials, the gold coins would fall to you like rain. If not, you’ve still got entertainment and self-defense covered for the foreseeable future. In a post-apocalyptic world, you’ll make more friends with firearms and fire water than with Ted Nugent, gold coins and psalm singing.
Hell, with enough whiskey. I might get crazy enough to come and take your gold coins away from you. But more likely, someone would want to steal your food before your coins. In an apocalypse needs are more immediate; a gallon of drinking water is worth more than a big bag of gold coins. You can’t eat them or drink them, and you can’t even make change with them.
But with the foolish belief a nuclear war could be survived with enough dried beans and money. The Capitalist still believes that you can take it with you! Never mind the world’s been destroyed. Look what I’ve got! I’ll be the richest refugee in the whole decontamination center! Thanks Ted!
A Disneyland apocalypse without all the flames and dead bodies. You just can’t trust all around you, can you? Just because society has rocked along like this for several hundred years now, doesn’t mean it couldn’t all be gone tomorrow. You can’t be too careful, you know! Thinking and assuming things will revert to some sort of medieval mercantile system. I know, I’ll buy the 7-11 and we’ll trade strictly in gold coins!
If in the course of your day you see any product endorsed by Ted Nugent. Except perhaps beginner guitar lessons, keep moving. Snicker if you must, but remember they know their customers way better than you or I do! There is a market and an audience for all of your end of the world shopping needs. Living in the cosmic vortex of dark plots and deep dark conspiracies. It’s only logical to plan for the end of the world with gold coins endorsed by Ted Nugent. You couldn’t make this stuff up.
This Carbon Based Life 
Can you guess where Ted lives? Texas, of course! 🤠
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