A Bad Case of the Munday’s!

Falling through the universe at the speed of life

By David Glenn Cox

The song says, “Money Changes Everything.” Personally, I’ve never been very good with money. Mainly, because I never had any. I’m not very good at the violin either, for same reason. I’m not bad with money; I never traded the family cow for a handful of magic beans or sold Amway. Thinking that I could be the next multi-level millionaire. Lifestyles of the rich and famous, “he turned a few jars of hand cream and all-natural laundry detergent into an empire! And now lives out his days in his mansion on the beach in Hawaii.”

I went from making .25 cents per week allowance to making $5.00 per week, in just seven short years. Capitalism works! A small boy without an education can still get ahead in this country, if he works hard, does his homework, and keeps his room clean. Flush with such bounty, greed set in. I wanted more, and more. So, I landed a logistics and outside sales job position in the newspaper industry, working for the Homewood – Flossmoor Star newspaper.

This was back in Chicago, before Climate Change had a Kickstarter account. I was a just a dumb kid who didn’t know any better. “Oh gosh George, look that the weather, it must be fifteen below zero out there with three feet of snow! Say, isn’t that Dave our paperboy. Hi Dave!” I was now earning $4.00 per week, after my mother gave me that famous parental speech. “Well, now that you’ve got your own money, you won’t be needing an allowance!”

But this was my first lesson in Capitalism. Pay them just enough to keep them around and then bait them with the allure of commission. “That’s right! I know it sounds too good to be true. But for every three thousand Super Magic Jumbo potato peelers you can sell, you can earn an extra $1.75. Plus, your regular minimum wage of course.

I was pandemiced out of work in Denver. When everyone works from home, and you are an outside salesman, who doesn’t know where they all live. The only option left is the telephone. Ancient writings speak of a time when the telephone was a useful and important device for business on the planet. Until it was supplanted by voicemail and the answering machine. “Hi, thank you for calling. Your call ain’t important to me worth shit! Hence, I sent you to voicemail. Fuck you! Fuck you! Fuck you! And we’ll call you right back, just as soon as we can!”

So, my job became making twenty to twenty-five phone calls per day to people who refused to answer the phone, once they found out it was a salesman. Then to fill out a sales report explaining, who I called and why, as well as the results of each call. Did they call back? “No.” Did you call them back? “Yes.” It was like ironing your shirts before you washed them.

So, I’ve been looking all over for work, even under boards. But age has given me a disability, that most employers refuse to respect. “I’m not going to put up with a bunch of bullshit. I’m not going to stand next to my desk every morning and recite the company pledge of friendly service and hospitality, nor will I wear multicolored polyester.

News Flash! O.A.N Television is hiring News writers on Craigslist. (When you care enough to want only the very best!) Must have a degree and be fluent in the “Career Suicide App.” If you work there now, what’s your next job going to be? But I’ve gotten some good gigs off Craigslist. I ghost wrote an Astrology column for a year.

But it’s like sifting a sand dune looking for a dime. So many come ons, “Did you know? Tens of millions of your friends and neighbors are all getting filthy rich! As high paid, highly respected copy writers? It’s true! And with our patented system, you can be too! Simply fill out the form and give us your credit card number. Then we will send you high paid, highly respected copywriting jobs, some paying in the high $5.00 range!

I’ve been studying Real Estate online. It is very similar to having two burning welding rods jammed in your eyes, while a rabid badger attacks your groin. Like playing solitaire in hell with a deck of fifty-one for eternity. I had a license in another state years ago, which actually makes it worse. I know enough to make it boring, but not enough to pass the exam. I’m worried about the market due to the potential permanent drought situation. In Arizona, to build a house you must prove that you have water available for the next  hundred years. A 15% cut in Colorado river water this year, and another possible 15% cut next year, means that my timing is perfect!

I started my own successful business in 2005. Then 2008 came and we all remember 2008. Somehow since then, work has seemed different to me than it once did. Where you once clocked in and did your job and went home. Now, it’s like they want you to pledge undying loyalty to the company, when they might fire you twenty minutes down the road. To fight hunger, I went to work for a Green Auto Parts Co. where it is against the rules to sit down…ever. I was told after ninety days that I could recommend employees for raises.

Our driver Joe, was a great guy and did an exemplary job. I recommended a .50 cent raise on twenty-five hour a week job. When that info hit the home office, you would have thought I recommended burning the place down. They had a lessor raise in mind, from $7.25 an hour to $7.30 per hour. I explained to the home office, that I would rather tell Joe that they were all fucking liars who didn’t give anyone a fucking raise. Before I’d tell him, his raise was $1.25 a week before taxes. “Yeah Joe, but that’s five dollars per month and sixty bucks a year! Think of your future! In a couple of millions years, you could send a kid to camp.”

The former employees left by the same door they came in. Most left when the new Tractor Supply opened up across the street, paying the princely sum of $7.50 per hour. Plus, they didn’t have to install batteries in the winter. For a cost of twenty dollars per week, I lost almost my entire staff to an employer paying .25 cents more per hour. Clearly, the least valuable thing in the building to corporate America are the employees, and the most important are the nickels and dimes. I treat stray dogs and cats better than they treat their employees. And yet they wonder, why there is a labor shortage.

If I can earn more money picking up pallets and aluminum cans, I will.