By David Glenn Cox
He’s forgotten but not gone. Former Presidential candidate and major phlegm party package, Florida Governor Ron DeSantis is back in the news. He’s taken a novel approach towards solving the sticky problem of climate change, simply by outlawing it. So simple, why didn’t anyone else think of that before? Under the new Florida law, if you’d just stop talking about it, it will become discouraged and go away. Climate and environment are to be deemphasized in state documents in favor of energy Independence!
That’s what this state needs is a good seven-cent nickel and more fossil fuel with less whining and crying about the environment. What Florida needs is a state energy policy! I say as your governor, let the roads be opened and let the fuel trucks go forth in great numbers. Let there be beer and soft drinks in the convenience store coolers. I stand in the doorway today against progress and change. And I declare hydrocarbons now and hydrocarbons forever! A policy designed more as anti-environment than pro energy independence. Florida? Sunshine state? Solar? Oh, heavens no!
It was just one of leftovers from Ron’s ill-fated presidential run. A part of his anti-woke goodness crusader for a better everything campaign. Every move Ron made was calculated to advance his anti-woke, pro nineteenth Century agenda. Make war on Disney and fuel the local backyard barbecues with school book briquettes. An old Chinese proverb advises the greatest curse of Ron DeSantis is Ron DeSantis himself. It’s not so much what he does, but that he is.
In the wake of the Surfside condo collapse killing almost a hundred people. Reactionary Ronnie and his band of faithful rescue ranger friends in the rubber stamp Florida legislature imposed new condo building inspections. That sounds expensive, and it is! Florida being a “Pro Business” state had neglected to impose any serious inspection standards. Meanwhile, over a generation, thousands of these condo developments were built across the state.
And just to keep the introductory price low for the out-of-town suck. I mean, our new Florida residents. Sinking funds and maintenance reserves were neglected in favor of energy policy and sales expedience. “GREETINGS! You now owe 20K, 30K or 50K in maintenance fees on your condo payable immediately. Due upon receipt, 2% net 10 days. Well gee if you can’t pay then I guess you’ll have to sell.
“FOR SALE: Lovely condo on the Florida coast with incredible views of amazing financial hardship.” Just like a used car, those old condos become high mileage Buicks with a slipping transmission. Cheaper just to tear them down and buy out the survivors after thirty years.
Plus, due to Cl***** Ch***e Florida homeowners insurance rates are soaring. On the thirtieth floor you can see the hurricane coming before anyone else. Anyone that is except for the insurance companies, they see the future, and many are leaving Florida entirely. In response, Florida officially outlaw’s climate change in all state documents! There! Take that! Come on back everybody! The problem has been solved!
“You there! You! Up in those clouds! You are hereby ordered to stop raining immediately. This storm has been declared illegal under Florida statutes. If you persist, you will face severe financial penalties and possible arrest. I’m going to need you to go ahead and step out of the cloud. Alright boys, light em up!”
A nonsensical agenda of literally howling at the wind. What are we going to do about climate change? What climate change? What are we going to do about the Russians? What Russians? That’s blasphemy, you can’t say that! That’s illegal! Those are bad, bad no, no words! Those are words from the forbidden times!
“Hey look everybody! I found a lantern in the subway! I wonder how it works?” (Obscure Ayn Rand reference)
Florida suffers through eating all of these leftovers from the DeSantis presidential campaign. All of the cock and bull nonsense dreamed up for a national Republican campaign. No longer shall our state documents be needlessly cluttered up with this useless scientific jargon and offensive climate language dribble!
(Burn the witch! Burn the witch! Burn the witch!)
If Florida had a Pharaoh, I’d suspect the state was being plagued by an angry and petty small-minded deity who wanted something from them. Climate change, collapsing condos, hurricanes and an insurance crisis. Can the locusts be far off? Plus, Ron DeSantis is term-limited from running for reelection. (The silver lining behind the dark cloud.) But don’t get your hopes up. Waiting in the wings is Matt Gaetz.
Matt has worn out his welcome in Congress becoming universally despised by both Republicans and Democrats alike. Matt has been trying to bury the turd of his dalliance with teen prostitutes in the Congressional sandbox. But Matt’s only other alternative is to flee from Congress and run for office back home where they don’t read so much, or so often.
This is Republican Florida where they would elect a monkey in funny white boots Governor, as long as he or she was a bonifide Republican. Need I present the proof? Note: Matt Gaetz is not believed to own any funny white boots at this time. But chances are Gaetz will be elected Florida’s next governor in a cake walk.
Gaetz will then introduce legislation outlawing the terms “Underage, Prostitute, Drug abuse and Child sex from all state documents, making himself immune from prosecution.
“If this nation is to be wise as well as strong, if we are to achieve our destiny, then we need more new ideas for more wise men (and women) reading more good books in more public libraries. These libraries should be open to all—except the censor. We must know all the facts and hear all the alternatives and listen to all the criticisms. Let us welcome controversial books and controversial authors. For the Bill of Rights is the guardian of our security as well as our liberty. – John F. Kennedy
This Carbon Based Life 