Twump Family Christmas

Falling through the universe at the speed of life

By David Glenn Cox

It is the evil inside that makes me think this way. Early exposure to Mad Magazine and Bulwinkle and Rocky cartoons, without the clever fold-in on the back. It almost becomes the antithesis of Christmas and the opposite of Bob Cratchit’s meager domain. But the artificial snow is on the lawn and the servants have worked late into the night, decorating the Christmas tree in the Lobby, turned living room.

“Donald Come! Is time for Creasmas. Your heirs and spares will be here shortly. Come! Now!” I’m just finishing up my video game Malaria. I was on an important mission. The enemy hits a white ball across the screen, and my job is to hit it back. “I don’t care, your ex-wife’s children are here! Time to make with Santa routine and pretend you love them.” Oh, I do love them Malaria. I remember the three or four of them, back when they were still just tax deductions.

Little Eric age eleven, learning to ride his bike. Then around fourteen, we took the training wheels off. Don Jr. on the floor playing putting Tinker Toys up his nose, but anyway, that was last year. He’s got a girlfriend now. You can always hear them coming before you see them if you know what I mean. “You have no Creasmas spirit Donald.”

“You should watch Creasmas movie, get you in spirit.” I tried that Malaria; I was watching this movie about Scrooge. Well, he was checking up on his employees, and they lived in this run-down tenement. Just a perfect spot for condos. Knock that dump down, clean up the neighborhood and get rid of the riff raff, and you could make a bundle! Put up forty, no, sixty story condo tower!

The story was just no good Malaria. Everyone was trying to make Scrooge feel bad about being successful. Down right un-American. They had this crippled boy tiny Jim, and we’re supposed to feel sorry for him too. Scrooge was supposed to pay Cratchit more than Scrooge could get away with. Just to keep his sick kid in crutches. It’s all Communist propaganda, like I told my brother once, I’m not your keeper!

But then, it got crazy Malaria. Poor Scrooge was set upon by ghosts. Trying to make him feel bad about being who he was. When all he was, was a smart businessman. Why, he’d probably be a billionaire today. Probably have his face on the cover of Time Magazine as their man of the year, and have his own space program. Maybe we should try that Malaria, “Twump – Space!” I have friends in China that would sell me a rocket or two cheap. “Nyet, first time rocket explode killing everyone, press blame you!”

“What did you get your sons for Creasmas?” I got Don Jr. a full scholarship to Twump University. And Eric gets one, no, ten million sky miles on Twump Airlines. “What did you get for your daughter?” A three-carat diamond necklace and a new Mercedes. “I thought car was for her birthday.” It was, this is another one. “What about Grandchildren Donald?” I got them all a chance in the biggest raffle of a lifetime. The one-day grandpa stops breathing raffle. It will be like Twister with lawyers and knives!

What did you get the boys Malaria? “See snow on lawn? That’s for Junior but that’s not snow, Pablo tripped bringing it in. I got Eric same gift as always when he asks, I just say, another one? And act surprised, then he goes away after a few minutes. What you want for Creasmas Donald?”

Me? All I want is peace in the world for just one day. And I want all the hungry children fed. No, I’m just fucking with you. I want to be President again!

“Donald, we’ve had this conversation before, about asking Santa for things he can’t deliver.” He could if he wanted too, he’s just got no guts. Like Mike Pence! You wanna know the difference between Mike Pence and a Christmas tree? The tree’s got balls hanging from it!  “Donald don’t ruin holiday pouting again. Come, the servants are on overtime.”

“Who are all these people Donald? There must be a hundred of them.” They are members of the Twump Premier Gold club membership, family level patrons. With the gift of one million dollars, they are allowed to spend one national holiday with us here in our Lobby, turned living room at Mira Lago. Easter and the Fourth of July are booking up fast, but Mother’s Day is still open!

Welcome to the Twump family Christmas. The Egg Nog $4.75 for a small and $5.75  for a large, in a Donald Twump signature souvenir commemorative paper cup. Candles are available for just $2.99. We’re going to sing some Christmas carols later. If you would like to sing along, it’s just ten dollars per person or thirty dollars for the family plan. Then we will have sumptuous Christmas dinner for $199.95 per plate, plus beverage in our restaurant, turned dining room. For those interested in a white Christmas, see Pablo in our bar, turned den. Christmas photos are available with the family for $99.99 each or a three pack, for just $399.99.

It’s at these special times of the year that it is important to remember the true meaning of Christmas.  That I was robbed in the Presidential recent election. It’s all fixed! Christmas, the Russia investigation, Santa Claus, the whole nine yards! I swear If Mike Lindell gives me one more pillow. Bang zoom! To the moon Alice! I gave Rudy Giuliani my personal note for payment within ninety days, with a case Crown Royal. It says, if I don’t pay him the money I owe him in ninety days. He can come back and get another note.

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