What? No Biplanes?

By David Glenn Cox

Is everyone alright? I mean, is everyone still here? Was anyone injured by the falling Bibles of the raptured on their way to glory? I haven’t done a complete head count yet, but obviously, I’m still here. Or was it as I suspected, just another rapture rip off? Grifting off of a natural phenomenon and human gullibility. 1 + 1= $

Volcano rumbling means God must be angry. You can take the ancient human off the savannah, but you can’t shake all the primitive off of them. A natural phenomenon to see and be enjoyed by all. But the obsession, I just don’t understand. People flying cross country and renting hotel rooms just to see an eclipse? Now that’s entertainment! Wait until you see a paint can shaker down at the Home Depot.

“Ah, boss, I want to take a couple of days off. I’m going to use two of my vacation days to fly cross country to watch it get dark for a few minutes.” You do realize it does that every evening in your own backyard, right? It just takes a little longer to get light again. But still, same thing, just objects whirling mysteriously through the ebony heavens.

The do’s and don’t do’s of watching a solar eclipse. Don’t do like Donald do and stare directly into the sun. That’s really moron level stupid, who stares directly into the sun anyway? Mama said, “Boy, don’t be an idiot.” It’s a part of child rearing, don’t put that in your mouth and don’t look directly into the sun. Actually, your body will take over and stop you, unless you’re truly dedicated.

You can watch the eclipse on TV. You can use the camera on your phone to watch it safely. But remember, the same rules apply for your phone’s eye as your own. I guess, it’s nature’s way of saying look, but don’t stare. Or you can do as I did when I was a kid between dinosaur attacks and hold a primitive pinhole viewer. A full ten or twelve minutes to notice what goes on all around us and attaching importance to it.

Now, there is a way to enjoy the thrill and adventure of a solar eclipse at home, anytime! Just by slowly closing your eyes until fully closed. Then slowly open them again. For added thrills, stare at an exposed light bulb while doing it.

I was disappointed by Haley’s comet; I had been led to believe this was some great light blazing across the heavens. It was, in an astronomical sort of way, but not in the Hollywood sort of way. Someone said, “Hey look, there’s Haley’s comet.” I looked, answering, where? That little thing? I guess it meant some new King had been born someplace. But everything seemed just the same and the change was hardly noticeable to me.  

An earthquake on the East Coast and angry New Yorker’s complain city officials were unprepared. Of course, they were unprepared. Tokyo was unprepared for Godzilla. Some things other than a helmet, a raincoat, a shovel, and a full tank of gas you just can’t prepare for.  I doubt they are prepared for an elephant stampede on the Brooklyn Bridge or a giant monkey infestation on the Empire State Building.

It’s a fine lesson in human nature. In case of an earthquake, blame city hall. Why didn’t they do something to prevent this? Why weren’t city officials better prepared? With several different productions of King Kong already in the film vault. It was only a matter of time before an actual giant monkey showed up, catching city officials flatfooted.

What? No biplanes? What do you mean we don’t have any biplanes? We’re all doomed!

I guess my favorite rapture – unnatural phenomenon story are the poor Christians who waited on a chilly hilltop, arms up reaching towards heaven. Certain they were about to be plucked and liberated from this mortal coil and taken up into God’s loving arms. Certain, because it was December 31^st in the year 999. Of course! Isn’t it obvious? God would wrap everything up by midnight January 1^st. Being a being of letters and immortal knowledge and all, it’s only good book keeping. But Jesus was a no show and they all had to go to work on Monday.

Legend has it, this is the genesis of getting wild and acting crazy on New Year’s Eve. Look! Jesus could come, at any moment, do want to be sober when he gets here? But I get airsick when I fly. Look out below! Are we having a meal on the flight? Loaves and fishes again, I bet and no movie. Just another rapture rip off, off to eternity without even a last glimpse at Hollywood pap. Just my luck, I’ll never know how the film ends. Does Pee Wee ever get his bicycle back?

It must mean something, right? The Earth and the moon moving in orbits around the sun they’ve travelled for billions and billions of years. (or for Christians, 7,000 years come next Tuesday) And occasionally, these planets and planetoids  get in each other’s way and block the sun’s rays. But this time, maybe this time, it really means something. The end of the world maybe, even though all the other eclipses have been wrong for the last billions of years. But maybe this time, what if, right?

Marge Tater Greene, the living argument against Natural Selection says earthquakes and eclipses are God’s warning to us. Time to get right with the lord and vote Republican, before it’s too late. God is speaking to us through his mighty planets! The message is obvious, The moon will pass between the Sun and the Earth causing a momentary disruption in the lighting. Make your hotel reservations now! Supplies are limited!

And that’s what the eclipse was about Charlie Brown.