That Time I went to Jail Forever

Falling through the universe at the speed of life

By David Glenn Cox

The original term “Loose cannon” comes from the navy. A 1,200 pound cannon loose on a pitching and rolling deck of a sailing ship was lethal. Once it started rolling there was no power on Earth stopping it. But the term loose cannon will be retired at the end of this year and replaced by the more modern expression “Mike Flynn.” Flynn lives by the motto, If at first you don’t succeed fail, fail again. Most people only get one shot at screwing up their career big time. Mike Flynn has a highlight reel!

It all began in the halcyon days of 1972, Mike Flynn rescued toddlers from a car rolling downhill and is honored for his heroism. He also served time in Juvie for “Serious and unlawful activity.” After a year of supervised probation his records were expunged. “Ah yes, I remember it like it was only yesterday! My first time in Jail.” After high school, he attended the University of Rhode Island carrying a solid 1.2 GPA in his freshman year. Our Military looking for only the best and the brightest could spot talent and offered Flynn a three-year ROTC scholarship.

His military service was exemplary, except for that time in Panama where he was reprimanded for disobeying orders. In 2008, he was reprimanded again while working for the United States Central Command. He shared classified intelligence with the Pakistanis. “Ah yes, I remember it like it was only yesterday. The first time I gave away classified information to foreigners.” In 2013, Flynn became the first US military officer ever invited inside Russian Military headquarters. Flynn’s request for repeat visits, and having a sleepover at our house was denied. 2014, Flynn is attending the London Intelligence Conference. A Republican operative to three Presidents becomes so alarmed by Flynn’s closeness with the Russians; he is believed to be compromised.

Well, it’s that time. The old clock on the wall says it’s time to go Mike. Time to hang up that uniform and move on. We’re all gonna miss you, don’t forget your stuff and stay in touch. “Ah yes, I remember it well. The time I was forced out of the military for being…a dick. Kiss one Russian ass and give away one secret intelligence file and they just won’t leave you alone from then on.” Officially, it was because of Flynn’s chaotic management style that they had just noticed after thirty years. Yes, kissing ass with the Russians and giving away secret intelligence could be termed a chaotic management style. But Colin Powell said in a leaked E-mail that Flynn was forced out because he, “Was abusive to staff, didn’t listen, worked against policy, bad management, etc.” Etcetera, etcetera, tell us how you really feel Colin, let it out buddy. You’ll feel better!

Flynn said he believed he was a lone voice (everyone is wrong, and I alone am right.) And he was forced out because he disagreed with Obama policy. God, what a world! To be removed just because you disagree with your boss the President of the United States. How unfair! According to staff members Flynn’s relationship with the truth was a distant one only waving occasionally in passing. They were called, “Flynn Facts” around the office. The things that only Mikey believed.

He lands on his feet and in one of the greatest oxymorons of all time opens “The Flynn Intel Group.” (Cue, Detective theme music.) A simple business model: foreigners hand me large checks, and I introduce them to people who are intelligent. While working as a consultant Flynn served on the board of Green Zone Systems, Patriot Capital, Drone Aviation, etcetera, etcetera, etcetera. Milking that big-fat military cow and bringing home the bacon. His military career over and pockets filled with government coin what path is left our plucky hero?

“There’s a man who leads a life of danger. To everyone he meets he stays a stranger. With every move he makes, another chance he takes. Odds are he won’t live to see tomorrow. Secret Agent Man! Secret Agent Man! They’re giving you the money and taking away your name.”

Being a secret agent is not near as glamorous as people might think. There is a lot of paperwork involved you never see James Bond filling out. There is one form and I’ll spare you the legalese. I IS WORKING FOR A FOREIGN GOVERNMENT! DON’T TELL ME ANYTHING YOU DON’T WANT SHARED! The government insists, you can’t even be a garbage collector without a license. The US government declares the right to know just who you are working for. There is only one reason they ask and only one reason why you wouldn’t tell them. Not so much a spy really, as a suspected traitor. You don’t want to tell because you don’t want anyone to know, Flynn Intel indeed!

This is really cool, you’ll like this. In July 2016, Flynn gives a speech saying the President of Turkey is moving away from a secular state and towards Islam. (Boo, hiss) He spoke warmly of Coup plotters and called their goal of overthrowing the Turkish government, “Worth clapping for.” By September 2016, Flynn is paid $530,000 to work with the Turkish American Business Council. Flynn registers as a foreign agent only after the contract was completed and acknowledged his work may have benefited Turkey. Six months later, Flynn writes an Oped calling for US backing of Turkey (Do I smell money?) and criticizing the regime’s opponents.

While working for the Trump Campaign, Flynn held a meeting with the son of the Turkish President to discuss kidnapping a Turkish political opponent and smuggling them to Turkey. Laws? You don’t need laws if you have a checkbook! You get half a mil just for being nice what do you get for kidnapping? But apparently working for Trump was just a part time job. After all we know now, what effect could Flynn have possibly had on Trump? Discussing world affairs with an orange bowling ball wearing a yellow wig. Flynn was paid $5,000 to work with a Russian consulting group and $45,000 for an interview with Russia Today where he worked as a consultant. Flynn defended his actions; I was on camera and wore my uniform, I get the check, fair and square.

While the US was sanctioning Russia, Mike Flynn was having dinner with Vladimir Putin. This begins Mike Flynn’s next chapter, “That time I went to jail again.” Only a Trump Pardon freed him from prison. “That time I was accused of giving intelligence to the Russians and the only proof they had were photographs and sound recordings of me doing it!” Flynn attends a Q-anon conference because you meet the same people on the way down you met on the way up. (I smell money!) Asked why we can’t have a military overthrow of our government like Myanmar? Flynn replied, “No reason, I mean, it should happen here” and the assembled idiocy went wild with simian exuberance.

Only… a former General isn’t allowed to talk that way, even to stupid people. He should be called back to active duty and face a Court Martial. “That time I went to jail forever.”

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