Wanna See My Puppy 2.0?

By David Glenn Cox

I know already not to expect much for Christmas this year as this is clearly my big gift. This gift has been on my preferred Santa list for years. I needed a gift; times are hard for a political writer. What with Joe Biden bringing calm and competence to the job. Since the election, it’s been like writing the crime blotter in heaven. No crazy tweets or insane statements, no tantrums or threats. I was a man in a desert dying of thirst until Matt Gaetz brought me a Great Lake. Thank you, God! Nothing like a sex scandal to brighten up my dull and otherwise hum drum life. A sex scandal with Matt Gaetz in it! Like watching Wile E. Coyote about to get an anvil dropped on his head.

It was just the other day Wile; I mean Matt was telling us he let his formerly secret teenage son go to the Florida beaches for spring break. Now, we know why, “Daddy likes blondes’ son!” One of the few advantages to age is having experienced enough of life to see Fuck uppery for what it is.  There is only one reason a man of thirty-five wants to spend his time with an underage teenager unless you believe Woody Allen. Trying to grasp the last dying rays of youth trying to fool himself into believing its Tuesday when it’s really Thursday.  With feelings of inadequacy, he seeks partners he can impress with his money and position. I.E., the little head thinking for the big one. General Motors would not have sold the first Corvette without such thinking.

Being a Congressman, Matt has been exposed to some of the finest young and beautiful women in Washington. Many with a driver’s license and their own car! With college degrees and their own shining careers. If you can’t stand the heat stay out of the kitchen.  Matt does not want to hear about your day. He wants to tell you about his, get you drunk and have sex. Ladies you probably already know this, but such behavior is almost a TV commercial premise for erectile dysfunction. “Do you find women your own age intimidating? Do you feel bored or uncomfortable caring about your life partners? There is the illegal underage sex angle when the true crime is the exploitation. “Wanna get the van and play with my puppy 2.0?”

No different really, simply different enticements. Wanna fly on a jet and go to Vegas? So, I can isolate you from any protection. So, I can dazzle you with glitz and glamor. So, I can ply you with alcohol and Trump candy into having sex and a month later, do it all again with someone else’s daughter. This a predator behavior. It’s not quality unless you believe Woody Allen, it’s quantity. How many little girls can I have sex with attempting to fill the empty spaces of my damaged psyche?  To use these young women as sex toys and arm candy. “And all the love you’ve been giving has all been meant for you.”

That’s the reason the law is on the books. You can’t sign a contract at seventeen, and you can’t fly off across state lines with a scuzball Congressman. It’s the whole white slavery thing, taking a minor across state lines for immoral purposes. I wonder if he’s met her parents. I bet not, “Hi I’m Matt Gaetz. You may remember me as the 35-year-old Congressman who recently announced he had a “secret son” living in his home. I’m here to pick up your daughter.”

But Matt says, we’ve got it all wrong. He’s being mischaracterized as a filthy teen raping creepazoid when really, he’s just a nice man. A good guy trying to be generous out of the pure goodness of his golden heart. Yes, he paid for plane tickets and hotel rooms, but it wasn’t like white slavery or anything prurient. He just wanted to show her a good time and not the other way around. Spend the day at Disney World and spend the nights at Gaetz World. Matt insists he is the victim of a plot by a disgruntled Justice Department employee. That’s the kicker right there. Is this all untrue? Or was it merely exposed by a disgruntled Justice Department employee? It does makes a difference.

Some people are an easy read, Gaetz is a Dick and Jane primer. The little boy in the back of the classroom making faces to draw attention to himself to make the feelings of inadequacy go away. The thirty-five-year-old Congressman with a teenager on his arm trying to make those same feelings of inadequacy go away. I hear the new Corvettes are awesome.

If God were to ask me, “Who would you most like to see self-destruct in a blaze of criminal stupidity?” I can only answer thanks and promise to ask for no more in December. No sooner had the story leaked when Gaetz announced he was a considering a job at One America Network.  Because they had the most interns, and he needs a place to hide out with a paycheck. Before the ink is dry on the page Gaetz plans his getaway from Washington. How guilty must you be to surrender that fast? But as for future employment Gaetz might need to discuss those plans with the Justice Department, they have him slated for a slot at One America Prison. As they say down south, “You in a heap of trouble boy!”

An iron bar time crime.  Not the expression of love between two consenting adults but the exploitation of a child for the prurient purposes of self-gratification, unless you believe Woody Allen.