By David Glenn Cox
Are we reaching Mr. Donald Trump? “Yes, you are reaching President Donald Trump. Forty-fifth President of the United States leader of men and adored by women everywhere. I was robbed of a second term you know. Cheated by the Deep State. They couldn’t stand my take no prisoners drain the swamp, never read a book mentality. And so, with the help of Joe Biden and several million Liberals they cheated me out of a second term! They hated me and they hated Malaria. She could have been on every magazine cover in America. She was the prettiest women in that whole shit hole country whatever it was Buttfuckistan. No Vogue, no Ms., Not even Better Homes and Gardens, Smith’s Tractor Review or Hustler.”
Mr. Trump my name is Elaina Oglethorpe and I’m with the Y. U. No Pay Collection agency. Your account has been turned over for collections. “What account? Is this about that phony building project in Kazakhstan again? Look, I’m just as shocked as you are. I was just an innocent dupe innocently cashing a million-dollar check for making it look legit. Sure, I told investors everything was on the up and up. The check cleared, didn’t it? That was before I knew it was a crooked deal and if I gave the money back, I’d be doing business with criminals!” No Mr. Trump, the account in question isn’t in Kazakhstan.
“Deutsche Bank? Did Deutsche Bank actually turn me over for collections? I’ve done business with them for decades and they’ve never lost more than a few hundred million dollars. I’m one of their best customers!” No Mr. Trump, this isn’t about Deutsche Bank. “Bank of America then? That was settled in my third, no fourth bankruptcy. Trump University? Look, you’ll have to speak with my sometime attorney the honorable Mr. Rudy Giuliani about that. Call him, he’ll tell ya. If he’s not there leave a message with the landlady. He lost his phone somehow.” No Mr. Trump, this isn’t about Deutsche Bank, Bank of America or Trump University. “Wait, wait, don’t tell me then! Can’t be my taxes. This isn’t about the Russian Mob, is it? Cause if it is…Vlad said he would take care of it, nes pax, ding ding, ya dig?”
No Mr. Trump, this has nothing to do with the Russian Mafia. “Is it one of those women? Damn, have I got another judgement against me? Nobody tells me nothing around here anymore. Kelly Anne would have told me, but she drooled all the time. I’ll have to call my sometime attorney the honorable Mr. Rudy Giuliani and ask him about it or at least leave a message with his landlady. He lost his phone somehow. He could live anywhere but chooses to live right across the street from a liquor store. Rides public transit too. Says it’s so he can relate to the common man. I’m sure there is more, but that’s all I can think of right now.”
Mr. Trump, I’m calling today for the city of Albuquerque. “Who? Never met him.” Mr. Trump, it’s not a person it is a place. “Never been there! Where is that? What state is that in?” Mr. Trump, you owe the city of Albuquerque $211,175.94. “For what?” For the use of the facilities for a campaign event. “What campaign? When?” Your Presidential campaign Mr. Trump. “That was a barter exchange. I normally charge exactly $211,175.94 for an appearance fee, but I waved it. I can’t take back my appearance, so they can’t charge me any money.” Mr. Trump, you owe the city money. We need to make arrangements for payment. “Can you take a two party out of town check? Didn’t think so.”
“Let me give you my Visa number, ah seven, ah nine, ah four gee there is a lot of static on the line. Can you still hear me? Yeah, and the expiration date is 19 of 21. Well, I hope that clears things up.” Mr. Trump, the city wants their money. “You know now that you mention it. I think that event was for my son Don Jr. You might not know this, but he was also running for President too. Ended up causing a lot of confusion between his campaign and my campaign. You say this event was in Omaha?” Albuquerque Mr. Trump. “You can reach my son through my sometime attorney the honorable Mr. Rudy Giuliani. If he’s not in, leave a message with the landlady. He lost his phone somehow.” Mr. Trump the event was for your campaign and the city wants their money. “Okay, sure, sure. What city did you say that was again, Amarillo?” Albuquerque Mr. Trump. “How do you spell that? I’ll send them a check right after I contact my sometime attorney the honorable Mr. Rudy Giuliani or leave a message with the landlady and wait to hear back from him.
Mr. Trump, do you plan to pay this debt or not? “What debt? You mean Amarillo? Didn’t I just give you my Visa card number?” Mr. Trump failure to pay this debt will lead to legal being action taken against you. “Oh, now I’m scared. How will I sleep nights knowing the city of Omaha has a judgement against me?” Albuquerque. “You know, maybe there is another way. Ever do any Real Estate speculation Ms. Oglethorpe? I could set you up in a nice three-bedroom two-bedroom condo. Eight hundred and fifty of the prettiest square feet you can image. Overlooking the beautiful sanitation barges on the East River! Pablo Escobar once owned a condo there!”
Mr. Trump, I am not interested in condos or Real Estate speculation. I’m interested in $211,175.94 owed to the city of Albuquerque. “Who?” Mr. Trump, what exactly are you going to do about this debt! “Malaria! It’s for you; it’s a Ms. Oglethorpe. I think she’s with Vogue or Hustler or something and they want you to do a centerfold!