UmpDay UmpTray!

By David Glenn Cox

There’s always that one person isn’t there? That one person who doesn’t get the memo or worse still. Get’s the memo but misunderstands the message. Casual Friday will be held on Thursday next week, due to a visit from our founder and CEO. And there they are in their Grateful Dead shirt and jeans in a meeting with the big boss. I guess we’re all guilty of it at one time or another.

Don’t tell him about the surprise party! “See you tonight at the party!”

The Republican’s sent out a very clear message in a very concise form. In easy-to-understand iconography and in easily digestible parts of pablum. “OwNay’say ouryay ancechay otay umpday imhay!” (Now’s our chance!)

And Mitch McConnell just stands there like a lost street sign and answers, “Green!”

A very simple message. The Republicans are shocked and outraged beyond all moral belief because Donald Trump had dinner with Nazis and racists. Air sickness bags are available if you are unable to control your retching.

 etGay ityay?

With lots of strings and flowers. Play it up big! A full Broadway production. Maybe muss your hair some and pull at your clothes and spit at the ground some to show your full measure of contempt. Maybe get your picture taken with some of your Jewish friends. Okay, well, you can still say something nice, can’t you?

The curtain opens and Mitch McConnell says, “I don’t think you can get elected President pissing off the Jews.”

Winston Churchill would weep at hearing such sophistry. Boy, he sure knows how to get a message across! Don’t he? Doh!

The message was to FEIGN outrage and act disgusted. Don’t just spit it out all at once like that. Act, emote, project! This is operation “RUN AWAY” UmpDay UmpTray. Send him into the liquor store to buy the beer and once inside, then we ditch him! But only because we won’t put up with any drinking around here! That would be Wrong! (har, har, har!)

It’s really easy Mitch; even a child can do it. Check out the video series  “Famous Guilty TV Preacher Meltdowns” for a few pointers.  Now, you don’t have to cry or nothing like that, but it will give you an idea of what kind of emotions we’re looking for here.

But you can’t teach and old dog new tricks, I guess. Mitch is from the old school of politics when they only lied about policy and such, and not so much about each other. Leaving him socially awkward in this new modern dark age of ours.

Where we lie about everything all the time, especially about lying. There was once a negative social stigma attached to lying. But now a days a scout can’t begin to think about moving up to Eagle scout without their “Lying” merit badge.

By the way, for those of you who like scary horror movies and action and adventure films and lying. Check out any of the videos on You Tube about the condo building that collapsed in Miami.

Oh, man! Oh, man! Remember how the movie “Jaws” scared people out of swimming in the ocean? Well, this building makes Freddy Kruger look like Pee Wee Herman. This building was so bad it nearly had its own evil laugh and theme music. You will never live in a high-rise Florida condo building again. And you will never stop worrying about any relatives who do.

After watching just a few of these videos. I’m sure that you’ll join me in wondering how this damn building ever managed to stand up as long it did. Water on the roof appears in hallways several floors below. The building’s columns were wicking up the water and gravity does the rest. Large puddles of water on the floor of the parking garage visible despite no recent rainfall.  (Duh!)

It is against the building code in most places to tile outdoor balconies. It looks real nice in a luxury condo though, so do it anyway. The problem isn’t in the tile itself, though it does add tons of weight to the load. The problem is the rain and the heat. The tiles get hot and expand and then cool and contract every day for years. Then it rains, and water gets underneath the tiles. The trapped water is now forced under pressure into the concrete.

Many balconies showed cracks in the concrete and lines with brown streaks from the rusting rebar inside. But do you know how you keep older condos buildings attractive? You remodel the bathrooms and add floor to ceiling marble like they never thought of forty years ago. Calculators are for engineers only not for remodelers. Marble flooring was added to bathrooms and kitchens. Heavy glass shower partitions were also added.

Suppose you have sixty condos you add 2,000lbs of weight to each one. That’s sixty additional tons of weight never thought about or anticipated at time the building was constructed. “What if they all want to put a Steinway Grand Piano or two in their condo? What if they all collect ship’s anchors or bank safes?

Concrete gets stronger as it ages. I used a jackhammer once to take down eighty-year-old concrete steps. Trust me, it’s true. The newer concrete was easy then you hit that old stuff. So hypothetically the additional weight should not be a problem by itself. But concrete and water are blood enemies even prestressed concrete. And though the concrete may look tough and unyielding. And the water may look soft and harmless, the water will win the struggle every time.

If you have water puddling in the parking garage from the roof? You better call a Realtor right away. One resident had purchased a Ring camera and was fortunate enough to be out of town and missed the night sailing of the Titanic.

The camera shows a kitchen wall begin to horribly distort slowly. As the sheet rock in the ceiling begins to crumble. Raining down a shower of bits and clouds of white dust. The floor in the living room begins to droop in the middle as a box leaning against the wall falls in the other direction. And as you are standing in the living room trying to close the slider. The living room wall tears open right before your eyes! In a horror story that no Hollywood director could ever dream up.

There was a hue and cry to inspect all the buildings of that age after the collapse. But Republican Governor Ron DeSantis said “No” and squashed any talk of any further building inspections. He’s running for President you know. And it sure wouldn’t look good for him giving a bunch a cry baby liberals attention by inspecting a bunch of old buildings for their grandmas.

It’ll be fine. People will forget, just you wait and see! Have you any idea what that would cost the landlords? They donate to my campaign you know. That’s why they vote for me! Because I’m on their side and they’re on mine! Grandma will just have to look out for herself under conservative Republican leadership! And besides, it was only that one building and only killed around a hundred people.

But now, just about a mile down the road and on the very same street. Another condo building of similar age construction and design has failed its building inspection and was condemned for exactly the same reasons. A nice man knocks on grandma’s door and says, “You’ve got five minutes! Get Out!”

Now maybe Mitch McConnell should spend some time with Ron Desantis to pick up a few pointers. Ron did show up for the memorial service for the dead residents and he felt real bad about it too! He even said so! But not so much that he would force someone to spend money trying to prevent another collapse. But Ronnie hasn’t said a word about the second condo building.  Another condo building condemned for the very same reasons as the building that collapsed.

Because the voters can’t blame you for it, if you pretend that you didn’t know!

We’re all shocked and appalled. No one could have anticipated this! (add you own shocked adjectives here!) We can’t be blamed for it! We didn’t know Trump had dinner with Nazis and racists this time. And we’re all mighty shocked. I might never speak to him ever again!

But we were all well-aware of all the many other times Trump has had dinner with racists and Nazis before. (His favorite leader is Vladimir Putin. Hint, hint!) But officially, the Republicans are shocked and appalled. And if another condo building falls in the Miami forest. Will it make a sound? Will Ron DeSantis hear it?

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