Basket Case

By David Glenn Cox

So here we all are in another Christianized Pagan holiday of Easter. Aren’t all the holidays originally Pagan? Decorated eggs and chocolate bunnies against the backdrop of the same old fable. “He came back to life! Really! He was dead for three days officer, but then he came back to life! Can you take the cuffs off me now? Defeating death, the ultimate achievement in a primitive constituency.

Personally, I would have levitated myself fifty or so feet in the air and announced my divinity to one and all. I am the son of God! Got it? Good, then we understand each other. Now, love one another before I lose my temper. When the Centurions came to arrest me, I would have turned them all into a pile of salamanders. That would get their attention upstairs, nothing violent in turning a few Roman soldiers into amphibians.

They were asking for it. They could have gotten the old pillar of salt treatment. So, they should count their blessings. Christians could wear little salamander necklaces to remind them to be faithful or else.  The whole drama could have played out so differently. When Harrod asked me, are you king of the Jews? I would have answered, “Let me show you this little trick my dad taught me. I call it a Tyrannosaurus Rex! So, what’s your next question?”

Spring and the coming of new growth. A reassurance to the ancient peasant farmers that God hadn’t deserted them. Will Spring really come? What if God forgets? What if it’s Winter forever? What if there are haints and spirits in my barn? What if there are witches among us?

Taking a holiday celebrating Spring and turning it into a Sunday school lesson. The suffering servant of mankind was murdered as absolution for all of our sins. (spoiler alert) With a surprise ending. As the suffering servant returns albeit with serious injuries showing them all what for by defeating death. Then ascends up into heaven for further treatment. Did you get the metaphor? 10-point test question. You owe him big time…so pay up. Starting right now!

We have to keep our God placated with prayers, and even then, we are never sure of him — how much higher and finer is the Indian’s God…… Our illogical God is all-powerful in name, but impotent in fact; the Great Spirit is not all-powerful but does the very best he can for his Indian and does it free of charge. – Mark Twain

Jesus was a first offender, and a good lawyer might have got him off with probation. But Jesus wouldn’t knock it off with all that sovereign citizen nonsense of his. “You have no jurisdiction over me! I answer to a higher law. I’m not driving, I’m traveling. My father in heaven gave me my license.”

Oh, nepotism huh? Yeah, and I’m related to Zeus on my mother’s side. We got laws in this country buddy! Step off the ass and put your hands behind your back. Any drugs or weapons on the ass? You got the registration for the ass? “My father in heaven provided it for me.” Yeah, well, we have a report of one stolen and not gifted by god.

Then the boy goes to court and starts arguing with the judge, which is never a good idea for a positive outcome. But it’s all a part of the metaphor. God sent his son to be beaten and horribly murdered just to teach you slugs a lesson. But do you appreciate it? That’s a clear-cut case of child abuse, who does that? Even with reanimation, it seems like an awful lot of violence and brutality just to make a simple point.

But these were primitive people who thought thunder and lightning were expressions of God’s anger. He’s a vengeful God and you better not worship any other gods, if you know what’s good for you! Because after God created the entire universe, he worries you might not love him enough. He reads the worship meter constantly. No other God’s, not even a little one on the side. Basket case.

At the time the suffering servant walked a small dot on the Earth about the size of one US county, there were dozens of gods to choose from. But if you know what’s good for you? If Spring doesn’t come this year, we’re all blaming you!

“He killed all those people — every male.
They had offended the Deity in some way. We know what the offense was, without looking; that is to say, we know it was a trifle; some small thing that no one but a god would attach any importance to. It is more than likely that a Midianite had been duplicating the conduct of one Onan, who was commanded to “go into his brother’s wife” — which he did; but instead of finishing, “he spilled it on the ground.” The Lord slew Onan for that, for the lord could never abide indelicacy….

Some Midianite must have repeated Onan’s act and brought that dire disaster upon his nation. If that was not the indelicacy that outraged the feelings of the Deity, then I know what it was: some Midianite had been pissing against the wall. I am sure of it, for that was an impropriety which the source of all Etiquette never could stand. A person could piss against a tree, he could piss on his mother, he could piss on his own breeches, and get off, but he must not piss against the wall — that would be going quite too far. The origin of the divine prejudice against this humble crime is not stated; but we know that the prejudice was very strong — so strong that nothing but a wholesale massacre of the people inhabiting the region where the wall was defiled could satisfy the Deity.” – Mark Twain